Dear Boys,

right now, at 3:54 am, there is really only one boy but later this morning there will be two. elijah will join silas as the sons of sarah allen! that kind of sounds like a western. ask your daddy or papas about that though.

I don't actually have to be up for about an hour to get ready to go to the hospital, but i can't sleep. i'm wondering how silas is doing over at granny's house and i'm wondering how elijah is doing in my tummy. elijah, you're a couple hours from making your debut and i'm starting to wonder what you look like. what color is your hair? do you favor me or your daddy more?

my heart seems to be in two different places this morning. is that possible? my entire heart is with silas as he's getting ready to have his world turned upside down. here's the thing though! my entire heart is here with elijah right now as well. i'm praying that he will find his place in this family. not just as the little brother, but as elijah. it's a good thing a mama's love doesn't have to be divided and that it can be multiplied. i feel like i'm bursting with all this love!

i'm not going to lie, though. i'm a little worried about the pair of you. will you be great friends or life long opposites who can't get along? it is my prayer that you will each have your own personality, but that you will fit together like peas and carrots. that you will be separate, but best of friends. elijah, i am so glad that your brother is not going to be an only child. don't get me wrong, i like being an only child, but i feel...well, i'm just glad that silas will have you to lean on and that you can lean on him. when things get tough, and there will be tough times, you will have each other. don't forget that. you will have each other.

i need to start getting ready to go to the hospital, but i just want you both to know that i love you. silas, you made me a mama and you're my first. i love your crooked smile and mop of blonde curls. i love that you love to run and play and be rough housed. i love your adventure seeking spirit that is already coming out. i love you for who you are.

elijah, i haven't met you yet, but know that i already love you to the moon and back. you're my second boy. the one who multiplied the love in this house. the reason that i can't stop thinking about brothers and their bonds. bonds to each other. bonds to their daddy and especially bonds they have with their mamas. i can't wait to meet you!

love,
mama

to receive a package...and mama emotions

i have long had a love affair with real mail. there is something special about getting a handwritten note from a special friend. you get a little thrill at the sight of their handwriting amid the pile of junk mail and bills. my walk back from the mailbox is always a bit more peppy when i get a real letter!

so how in the world do you think i feel when my mailman actually knocks on my door and hands me a package that i didn't order, or wasn't expecting? it's like the heavens open up and the most beautiful version of the Hallelujah Chorus trumpets from the clouds. i'm serious here people. i LOVE getting a package from a friend.

so today my mailman hands me this:

 

 

addresses removed for safety reasons! :o)

my heart started pounding fast when i remembered that my friend ruthie had recently sent me a message asking me for my address. thankfully silas was sleeping and i was able to enjoy this moment for myself! i ripped the paper off and this what i saw:

purple box, blue tissue paper, and a note! i seriously was quivering with excitement!

i open the note first and it was so sweet and made my excitement grow even more! it promised a gift to keep my new baby warm...

i pulled the tissue paper back and pulled out a work of art!

seriously! art!

 
when i saw it, i was overcome. literally. my mama emotions (read that hormones) kicked into high gear and the tears just flowed. ruthie and kendra had made a similar blanket for silas, and i used that as his coming home from the hospital blanket. it still gets tons of snuggles and is one of my favorite gifts i received for silas. i had just made the decision last night to use that same blanket to bring elijah home with and washed it and dried it. as i pulled it out of the dryer i was a bit sad that silas was going to be sharing this blanket and i thought maybe i should use a different one for elijah. but i LOVE this blanket so much and wanted him to use it, so i folded it and put it with our hospital stuff.

the blanket ruthie and kendra made for silas

so anyway, i seriously opened this package and cried. elijah grey had is very own special blanket and silas doesn't have to share his. getting this blanket today made me really, really excited to have this baby. not just be done being pregnant, but to have this baby and hold him and snuggle him and rub great smelling pink baby lotion on him.

so ruthie, THANK YOU! you are a very special friend and i am so glad that you are in my life! thanks for my brother blankets!

the first brother blanket on top and the second brother blanket on the bottom! 

they make a great pair!

if i were a perfect mother...

-i would have already sterilized the new baby's bottles.

-i would have broken my son's current habit of having to be held to go to sleep.

-i would have already sorted through all the little tiny boy clothes so that new baby's stuff was all ready to go.

-i would have stocked up on gas drops. because if this baby is anything like silas, then heaven help us! i'm going to need those drops.

-i would have kept up with silas's baby book. i'm so not a scrapbooker.

-i would have my house cleaned top to bottom and my hospital bag sitting next to the door. just in case i go earlier than expected.

-i would put off homework in favor of an extra snuggle before bedtime.

-i would get in the floor and play with legos regardless of the fact that i feel like a baby is getting ready to fall out of me.

-i would have given my child a bath tonight instead of a wipe down and a lotion up.

-i wouldn't have gotten angry when my child threw his food all over the floor.

-i wouldn't have cared that my laptop got knocked off the desk and onto the floor.

-i wouldn't have put in a second veggietales video just so i could finish my paper on sibling relationships and birth order.


it's a good thing perfection doesn't exsist. here's to hoping that it's okay to just be a good mother!

can i be honest with ya'll?

no seriously? can i? because i'm about to be honest. really honest. like should-she-really-post-this-on-the-internet honest here.

i'm having a baby in 16 days. SIXTEEN DAYS! another baby. i already have one baby! well, he's not really a baby so much any more. he's more of toddler. what's in the middle of toddler and baby? would that be a twoddler? what in the world was God thinking when he decided it was time to bless us with another baby? i thought i was nervous when my due date was approaching with silas. this is terror. sheer terror.

i'm serious. i'm terrified right now. i have no idea how to handle two children under the age of two. don't even think about saying something like 'well, you didn't know how to handle a newborn until you had silas' to me either. i might punch you in the face. you know i'm in a tizzy when i threaten bodily harm. i'm a passivist for pete's sake!

i'm afraid of how silas will react. he's been the center of my attention for 15 months. his whole life and now, all of a sudden, he's going to have to share. i'm trying hard to get him to sit beside me instead of on my lap. we're teaching 'gentle touch' instead of hitting (ask me how that's working out!). we talk about having a baby. i'm trying my best to prepare a 15 month old for a new brother, and i have no idea if he gets it or not. are we going to damage his little psyche by throwing this all on him? you must think i'm crazy.

all joking aside. i really am terrified. i'm nervous about having another c-section. i'm afraid i won't remember elijah's birth like how i don't remember silas being born. i'm afraid that i won't be able to give silas the affection that he needs simply because i can't pick him up and cuddle like we normally do. i'm afraid that this baby will always feel second.

does that make sense? that elijah will always feel second? i don't want that. i'm afraid that because he's the second born that he won't feel as important. i know that it's up to me and dave to make sure that doesn't happen, but what about everyone else? do people look at the second child differently than the first? i want him to be his own person. i want people to know his name is elijah, not silas's little brother. i want him to be able to feel just as important.

oh, i'm just rambling now.

sixteen days until my life changes drastically. again. i couldn't be more elated and terrified!

today i am thankful for (a list)

today i'm thankful for:

-my husband who let me sleep in until 10:00 am. he got up with silas, fed him breakfast, romped around the playroom, and probably watched a veggietales video all while i slept. all spread out in the bed all by myself! it was glorious!

-a clean playroom. since i got to sleep in this morning, i had no need for a nap when silas went down. so while he and daddy napped, i tackled the playroom. silas was confused when he came back downstairs though! i even picked up the toys tonight after he went to bed. i must keep this up!

-the rain. last year, around this time, i made a comment to someone that when it was all rainy it made me miss being a teacher. my reason was because when i was teaching, and it was raining, i wished i was at home with a cup of coffee on my couch, reading a book. a year ago i was wishing that i was at school wishing that i was at home, with a cup of coffee, on my couch reading a book (did that make sense?). this year, though, when it's all rainy i snuggle my little guy and read him another book or stack another lego or wipe his runny nose for the 50th time and i drink my iced tea because being about 8 months pregnant makes me HOT! (i'm talking temperature here folks)

-my new camera. it allows me to take pictures that i am in love with.

i didn't take this one today, but it's an example! :o)

-decaf iced tea. i'm tired of water and every time i go to the baby doc he says 'drink more water'. the problem is that i have not so good water at my house. it's from a well and has sulfur in it. a not pregnant me could drink this water with no problems, but as soon as this bun got into the oven, that smell would almost kill me. even brushing my teeth makes me sick! so i'm constantly schlepping water from my parent's house and even though they have great water, i'm just tired of it. so iced tea it is!

-a good date book. it keeps me organized. i've got two graduate classes, a 14 month old (with various appointments...he's a busy little guy), bi-weekly OB visits, and a husband who has a work schedule that changes weekly. with the crazy pregnant brain that i've been experiencing lately, i'd drown without it!

-the thought that in a month i can go back to drinking more than one cup of coffee every now and then. i don't ever want to get back to my two pots a day addiction, but it would be nice to have a cup or two every day. just to keep me on my toes.

-christmas lists. this year we've decided to make as many of our gifts (for family and friends) as possible. so it's been fun to try to make a list of who would like this and so and so would LOVE that. i love giving presents!

-the quiet to finish this list. the husband is asleep, the boy is in his bed, the cats are keeping my feet warm, and it's quiet.

may your day/night/afternoon be a blessed one!

i'm done

disclaimer: this post is going to be full of complaints. so if you don't want to hear me complain, you can just click the back or close button!

i'm done:

-with getting in the floor to play with silas or to change a diaper. from here on out, he's going to get changed on the couch and if he wants to play with me, it's going to be at a table. go ahead, call me a bad mom! i dare ya! :o)
-being pregnant. i mean seriously. two pregnancies (and two c-sections) in two years is craziness. i found out i was pregnant with silas in october of 2009 and i'm having elijah in october of 2011. granted, i took a seven month break in there, but...i kind of know how my grandmother felt now.
-with trying to clean in long stretches. i tried to clean up the living room while silas was taking his morning nap. well, after about 30 minutes i was cramping and light headed. so i gave up. now he's taking his afternoon nap and i'm doing nothing. i need to start setting a timer for like 10 minutes. clean for 10, take a 10 minute break. clean for another 10, take another break. i feel like it will take forever, but it's got to be done.
-with silas sleeping in our bed. we have tried and tried to transition him out of our bed, but every time we think we're making progress, something happens and we're back to square one. i shouldn't say square one. square one would be him starting the night in our bed. he now starts the night in his bed, but then sometime around 2:00 am wanders over to me in my bed. i put him back in his bed, sit on the floor, rub his back, etc until he's back asleep. then it's the same thing around 3:30 am. then again at 4:45 am. by that time i'm so tired of getting in and out of bed, sitting on the floor, trying to get my pregnant butt back up, that i just let him crawl in bed with us. so this is my fault. i know it is, but i just don't know what else to do!
-with not being able to cuddle with my husband at night. whether it be because we have a squiggly 14 month old between us or because i have to use a massive body pillow to get comfortable with. i want to be able to lay on my side and throw one arm over my husbands stomach and lay my head on his chest. is that too much to ask?
-with this heat. i feel like a bad mom, because i can barely stand to take silas outside because it's soooo hot. if we go out in the mornings when it's not a billion degrees, we get all wet because of the dewy grass. if we go out in the early afternoon, we'll get sun burnt. if we go out in the evening, it's still blazing hot AND there are a million bugs that like to feed on my little boy. add on to that the fact that if i get slightly hot, my feet swell like crazy. thankfully he's got a daddy to take him outside and a papaw that is more than willing to play in the big outside with him.
-with this post. it feels good to let some of my complaints out into the void. i usually just keep them bottled up and to myself so as not to bother anyone. but it sure feels good to get them out!

and just because:

this actually happened on a cooler day. so i didn't mind being outside! :o)

so apparently i have a sinus infection. it's great. awesome in fact. my head feels like it weighs 40 pounds, i have a barking cough that wakes up silas, and i can't breath through my nose. which means i'm a mouth breather with massively chapped lips. love.it. add all that to the fact that i'm chasing a toddler around most of the day and trying to stay on top of school stuff. well, this pic (actually his onsie) says it all.

it says: My Mommy is Exhausted...just in case you can't make it out in the pic...

but, all is not horrible! elijah is doing well, silas likes black beans and salsa, and dave and i get a 'date' night tomorrow. that is if i get all my homework done during the day!

so yeah. have a good night/day!

and just because....