Tuesday, July 27, 2010

new mommy stuff

it has been an amazing three and a half weeks. i do not know what the future holds for me and my little family, but i know that we'll make it through.

the bean is doing soooo well. even though we had to quit breastfeeding (due to a myriad of issues) he is gaining weight, eating, and pooping like a champ. oh the pooping! sometimes i wonder if it will ever end...

i am still unemployed and it's amazing the amount of pride i have had to swallow in the last month to make sure the bean is taken care of. the poet had already left work, several months ago, with the prospect of being a stay at home dad, so that leaves two of us being unemployed. but only one of us (me) qualifies for unemployment. so now we are reassessing the situation. what do we do? where do we go from here?

the prospect of moving and having to break the lease here is daunting, but it looks like it will probably be necessary. i like our little house, but...well...

so here's to admitting defeat. admitting that maybe i'm not in the place that i'm supposed to be in. admitting that i can't do this on my own. admitting that maybe i may have to go back home. to small town, ky and live very close to my parents. even though i love them with my whole heart, i'm not sure i want to be that close again.

anyway, i'm just letting these words out into the void. clearing some space inside my head. do not think that my life is horrible right now. in some aspects i've never been happier. i've got the bean, the poet, and the two cats. i've got a roof over my head, food in my belly, and i can steal internet from my neighbors. things aren't as bad as they seem...maybe...

i don't know what the future holds, but i do know who holds the future!

Friday, July 9, 2010

stream of consciousness (thoughts on the past week)

the last week has been somewhat of a blur. suddenly i've become a mom and The Poet has become a dad. i've learned to change a dirty diaper while singing a lullaby. i can get REM sleep, but still wake up at the most quiet baby noise. The Bean has taken over our lives, our house, our beings, and we couldn't be happier.

i'm not sure how this post is going to go or how it will be organized or even if it will make sense to anyone but me, but right now i just need to get things out. out of my head, heart, and out into the void. i hope that doesn't sound bad. because it's not bad. i just need to let some things loose. free. that's what this little space is for in the first place.

my time at the hospital was pretty standard, i think. i went in for an induction on july 1 at 6:00 am and ended up having a c-section around 11:30 pm. The Bean was born at 11:49 pm with lungs that rivaled a great operatic tenor...or something like that. because of the c-section drugs there are some parts that i do not remember, which is a little sad for me. my mom said that i sang to him. i don't remember that. nor do i really remember the first time we breastfed. that kind of bums me out, but that's the way it is though. i have a healthy baby. that's all that matters.

the first day home was very painful. thank God The Poet and my mom were here. i wouldn't have managed without them. i refuse to baby myself though. i make myself get up and do. i've done a couple loads of laundry this week as well as a little outing with my mom. i'm still a little sore, but i'm doing okay. i plan to drive soon.

there are good days and bad days. days when i feel like a breastfeeding phenomenon and other days when i feel like i'm horrible at it. there are days when the weight of my new title, and responsibility, of mom lay on me like a ton of bricks. i think of what i need to do. what i have to do. what i can't do anymore. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade this for the world, but sometimes i just feel...overwhelmed.

The Bean is curled up beside me sleeping a beautiful sleep and with his little baby noises, the worry is somehow melted and siphoned off. i know that i'm in for a crazy adventure and i'm looking at it from the prow of this big ship. the wind in my face. unknowns on the horizon.

and i couldn't think of a better life right now!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

the bean is here!

the bean made his debut on july 1, 2010 at 11:49 pm! he weighed 7 lbs 15 oz and was 20 3/4 inches long. he's a golden haired, blue eyed, content (except when he's hungry) little bundle of wonderfulness. the poet and i are just OVER THE MOON right now.

the nursery nurse just came to get him. i was proud to say that yes, in fact, we were able to breast feed this morning with not much difficulty and that he was a champ at it! a champ i say! when we first attempted to breastfeed it was difficult. VERY difficult. i was ready to give up after two feedings and did resort at one time to actually giving him a bottle of formula because i was so tired and frustrated and he was so tired and hungry. but this momma is proud to announce that the last two feedings have been GREAT! we're still learning and i have to have lots of help from The Poet to make sure his neck has good support and his feet and back get stimulated to keep him awake. it is all worth it. so totally worth it!

good day, my readers. i must snag a few zzzzz's before the nurse brings him back!