Friday, July 9, 2010

stream of consciousness (thoughts on the past week)

the last week has been somewhat of a blur. suddenly i've become a mom and The Poet has become a dad. i've learned to change a dirty diaper while singing a lullaby. i can get REM sleep, but still wake up at the most quiet baby noise. The Bean has taken over our lives, our house, our beings, and we couldn't be happier.

i'm not sure how this post is going to go or how it will be organized or even if it will make sense to anyone but me, but right now i just need to get things out. out of my head, heart, and out into the void. i hope that doesn't sound bad. because it's not bad. i just need to let some things loose. free. that's what this little space is for in the first place.

my time at the hospital was pretty standard, i think. i went in for an induction on july 1 at 6:00 am and ended up having a c-section around 11:30 pm. The Bean was born at 11:49 pm with lungs that rivaled a great operatic tenor...or something like that. because of the c-section drugs there are some parts that i do not remember, which is a little sad for me. my mom said that i sang to him. i don't remember that. nor do i really remember the first time we breastfed. that kind of bums me out, but that's the way it is though. i have a healthy baby. that's all that matters.

the first day home was very painful. thank God The Poet and my mom were here. i wouldn't have managed without them. i refuse to baby myself though. i make myself get up and do. i've done a couple loads of laundry this week as well as a little outing with my mom. i'm still a little sore, but i'm doing okay. i plan to drive soon.

there are good days and bad days. days when i feel like a breastfeeding phenomenon and other days when i feel like i'm horrible at it. there are days when the weight of my new title, and responsibility, of mom lay on me like a ton of bricks. i think of what i need to do. what i have to do. what i can't do anymore. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade this for the world, but sometimes i just feel...overwhelmed.

The Bean is curled up beside me sleeping a beautiful sleep and with his little baby noises, the worry is somehow melted and siphoned off. i know that i'm in for a crazy adventure and i'm looking at it from the prow of this big ship. the wind in my face. unknowns on the horizon.

and i couldn't think of a better life right now!

1 comment:

  1. Take a deep breath and make a mental list of all your blessings. Probably too many to keep track of. New babies are a huge adjustment -- remember your hormones are still raging and it's TOTALLY NORMAL and EXPECTED to feel overwhelmed. I wish I would've relaxed a little more and just enjoyed it a little more. Easier said looking back, of course. :)