Saturday, December 24, 2011
anyway, this isn't a sad post. this is a i'm so glad that my boys will have special memories with their granny post. silas is a granny's boy through and through. that kid doesn't cry when i leave a room, but you take him away from granny and you would have thought the end of the world was coming. i'm glad we live close. i'm glad that they will have a similar relationship with their granny that i had with mine. elijah doesn't have that bond with her yet, but it's coming. it's coming fast. and i can't wait to see it!
my mom is awesome. she's a great mom, friend, confidant, and granny. she's always there when i need her and will never stop loving me or my boys. i thank the Lord daily for her. i wouldn't be the wife and mommy that i am today if it weren't for her.
a few pics of granny and her boy silas! (i do have pics of her and elijah, but not any that are uploaded anywhere on the internet. i need to get on that and then edit this post!)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
big brother likes to steal little brother's paci and then laugh hysterically!
i'm feeling my need for caffeine increase. after i found out i was pregnant with silas, i cut back on my caffeine intake DRASTICALLY. i went from 2 pots of coffee a day to about 1 cup a day. after he was born i didn't really go back to my habit of 2 pots. i basically kept it at 1-2 cups a day, if any at all. while pregnant with elijah i only drank a cup of coffee on those days that i was just DRAGGING. well, the past week i have been exhausted. i have found myself drinking upwards of a half a pot a day. as much as i love coffee, i don't want to get back to where i was. the problem, obviously, is that i have a 17 month old and a 1.5 month. i am sleep deprived! pass the flavored creamer!
being a mama of two boys is proving to be the most rewarding thing that i have ever done. i thought being a teacher was the most rewarding, and it was until these two crackerjacks came into the world! i wouldn't trade these two little bits for anything in the world.
there isn't really a point to this post. i just needed a reason to post some pictures! hope your day is full of living and loving!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
on to my list of thankful things (in no particular order):
1. Jesus Christ, my savior and best friend
2. my husband
5. pumpkin desserts
6. the internet
8. good friends
9. baby formula
10. mr. jinx e. fat cat
11. ms. siss e. lazy cat
13. vehicles that run
14. my mom and dad
15. extended family
17. the health of little family
18. good coffee
19. seasonal creamers
20. the ability to read and write
21. unsolicited hugs and kisses from silas
22. my christian upbringing
23. medical professionals
24. the ability to heat my house
25. the Bible
26. pandora internet radio
27. huggies overnight diapers
28. love in all its shapes and sizes
30. the moments where silas is very gentle and loving with elijah
i could go on and on about what i am thankful for, but i needed to put a number on it so that i would know when i was done. i hope your thanksgiving is full of living and loving and that you tell everyone important to you that you love them!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
silas is having a hard time, and i can understand that. he doesn't really have a way to express his emotions and it's coming out in aggressive actions and temper tantrums. he will randomly smack whoever he is closest to (and this has been elijah on several occasions). he has started banging his head on the floor when he doesn't get his way. whining all day. i feel bad for him. i feel like i spend half (or more) of the day telling him 'no' or losing my patience with him because he has smacked, or head butted, me in the face. again. i don't want to be that mom. the one that is constantly yelling or disciplining her children. i want the good to outweigh the bad, but right now...well. we're adjusting.
elijah's jaundice is getting better. he is still a bit yellowish, but not nearly as bad as what it was. he's adjusting quite well to the feeding schedule that the doctor wants him on. two to three ounces every two to three hours. i, on the other hand, am not adjusting well. i feel like i'm constantly feeding him and i would KILL for a block of about five hours of sleep. deep, uninterrupted sleep. i know it's what is best for him, so i do it and i do it gladly, but i'd kill for some good sleep.
dave has been home with us since the day before elijah was born. he goes back to work tomorrow. he's not looking forward to leaving the boys. silas and him have become super tight over the past week and he's loving that new facet of their relationship and hating that he's leaving me alone and still recovering. he's looking forward to going back to work, but would love to stay with us a little bit longer. he's also adjusting to lots less sleep. since i've got elijah duty, he's taken over all silas's night time needs. which lately have been many. he's up several times a night, sometimes for long stretches. he's adjusting. i won't say he's adjusting well, but he is adjusting!
we are learning what it means to be a family of four. we are evolving into something that i like very much. not that i didn't like our family before, it's just well...we're adjusting and fitting everyone in and making special time for everyone. it's great. dave and i make sure to spend time with each son, individually, every day. then we get our time when they go to bed. we're adjusting.
sometimes i think we're adjusting quite well. other times i think i'm failing at this parenting thing. but we'll adjust. move forward. grow. learn. be. i'm working really hard on just being.
Monday, October 24, 2011
when elijah came home from the hospital on friday, we had to make an appointment to come see the pediatrician on monday because his billirubin levels were a bit high. so we went to the doctor today. dave and i and both boys. it was an adventure getting out the door to say the least. i would wrangle silas while dave was feeding elijah. then i would hold elijah so i could feed him and pack the diaper bag while dave was dressing silas. then we lost boo (silas's lovey that he HAS to have at all times) and couldn't find my keys. i was surprised we made it on time to our appointment. then when we get there, silas decides it's time to pitch his first public fit and be a general handful the entire time. and let me tell you, the entire time was a LONG time.
we had to have lab work done on elijah to check for his billirubin levels. then we had our appointment and then had wait for the lab results. we were in the exam room for a total of an hour and half. sometimes dave would have to take silas out to the lobby to let him run around and play with the toys and sometimes he would bring him back in the exam room with elijah and i. finally, the pediatrician asked us if we had errands to run and if she could call us. we did have stuff to do before heading home, so we left. we went and ate lunch and were about to go grocery/baby shopping when we got the call. elijah's levels had risen from 12.5 to 18.3. that is a little too close to dangerous levels for mine and our doctor's comfort level and we decided to have elijah admitted to the hospital for observation and to put him under the billi lights.
my mama bear side roared to life as soon as she suggested admittance to the hospital. i immediately bucked against the thought that i hadn't done enough to get his levels to go down on their own. dave talked me down and reminded me that there wasn't much more that i could have done. then when we were admitted i was fighting for him not to have an iv. the nurses wanted to just do one, but i was convinced that he was eating well enough and was hydrated well enough to not need one. finally the nurse called the doctor and she agreed with me! so thankfully, he didn't have to deal with an iv. just the billi lights.
so now, here i sit in the hospital a hormonal wreck. i gave birth five days ago and i'm still pretty sore from my c-section. i can't hold and cuddle my baby but once every three hours for 30 minutes. i'm praying and crying and watching a marathon of pawn stars. i know jaundice isn't that big of a deal, but i can't help but be worried. the nurses think that his levels should go down pretty quickly and i'm praying that they do.
i'm glad we caught this early, but i just want to take my baby home. i miss silas. we were just getting settled into somewhat of a routine and silas was starting to show lots of interest in elijah. he was crawling into my lap and rubbing elijah's head and stroking his face. now i'm afraid that him staying with mom and dad again tonight (possibly tomorrow night) will just set us back. thankfully dave has this week off.
so anyway, if you're praying people, pray for elijah. pray for me. pray for my family.
|and just because he is beautiful!|
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I don't actually have to be up for about an hour to get ready to go to the hospital, but i can't sleep. i'm wondering how silas is doing over at granny's house and i'm wondering how elijah is doing in my tummy. elijah, you're a couple hours from making your debut and i'm starting to wonder what you look like. what color is your hair? do you favor me or your daddy more?
my heart seems to be in two different places this morning. is that possible? my entire heart is with silas as he's getting ready to have his world turned upside down. here's the thing though! my entire heart is here with elijah right now as well. i'm praying that he will find his place in this family. not just as the little brother, but as elijah. it's a good thing a mama's love doesn't have to be divided and that it can be multiplied. i feel like i'm bursting with all this love!
i'm not going to lie, though. i'm a little worried about the pair of you. will you be great friends or life long opposites who can't get along? it is my prayer that you will each have your own personality, but that you will fit together like peas and carrots. that you will be separate, but best of friends. elijah, i am so glad that your brother is not going to be an only child. don't get me wrong, i like being an only child, but i feel...well, i'm just glad that silas will have you to lean on and that you can lean on him. when things get tough, and there will be tough times, you will have each other. don't forget that. you will have each other.
i need to start getting ready to go to the hospital, but i just want you both to know that i love you. silas, you made me a mama and you're my first. i love your crooked smile and mop of blonde curls. i love that you love to run and play and be rough housed. i love your adventure seeking spirit that is already coming out. i love you for who you are.
elijah, i haven't met you yet, but know that i already love you to the moon and back. you're my second boy. the one who multiplied the love in this house. the reason that i can't stop thinking about brothers and their bonds. bonds to each other. bonds to their daddy and especially bonds they have with their mamas. i can't wait to meet you!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
i have long had a love affair with real mail. there is something special about getting a handwritten note from a special friend. you get a little thrill at the sight of their handwriting amid the pile of junk mail and bills. my walk back from the mailbox is always a bit more peppy when i get a real letter!
so how in the world do you think i feel when my mailman actually knocks on my door and hands me a package that i didn't order, or wasn't expecting? it's like the heavens open up and the most beautiful version of the Hallelujah Chorus trumpets from the clouds. i'm serious here people. i LOVE getting a package from a friend.
so today my mailman hands me this:
|addresses removed for safety reasons! :o)|
|purple box, blue tissue paper, and a note! i seriously was quivering with excitement!|
i pulled the tissue paper back and pulled out a work of art!
when i saw it, i was overcome. literally. my mama emotions (read that hormones) kicked into high gear and the tears just flowed. ruthie and kendra had made a similar blanket for silas, and i used that as his coming home from the hospital blanket. it still gets tons of snuggles and is one of my favorite gifts i received for silas. i had just made the decision last night to use that same blanket to bring elijah home with and washed it and dried it. as i pulled it out of the dryer i was a bit sad that silas was going to be sharing this blanket and i thought maybe i should use a different one for elijah. but i LOVE this blanket so much and wanted him to use it, so i folded it and put it with our hospital stuff.
|the blanket ruthie and kendra made for silas|
so ruthie, THANK YOU! you are a very special friend and i am so glad that you are in my life! thanks for my brother blankets!
|the first brother blanket on top and the second brother blanket on the bottom!||they make a great pair!|
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
-i would have broken my son's current habit of having to be held to go to sleep.
-i would have already sorted through all the little tiny boy clothes so that new baby's stuff was all ready to go.
-i would have stocked up on gas drops. because if this baby is anything like silas, then heaven help us! i'm going to need those drops.
-i would have kept up with silas's baby book. i'm so not a scrapbooker.
-i would have my house cleaned top to bottom and my hospital bag sitting next to the door. just in case i go earlier than expected.
-i would put off homework in favor of an extra snuggle before bedtime.
-i would get in the floor and play with legos regardless of the fact that i feel like a baby is getting ready to fall out of me.
-i would have given my child a bath tonight instead of a wipe down and a lotion up.
-i wouldn't have gotten angry when my child threw his food all over the floor.
-i wouldn't have cared that my laptop got knocked off the desk and onto the floor.
-i wouldn't have put in a second veggietales video just so i could finish my paper on sibling relationships and birth order.
it's a good thing perfection doesn't exsist. here's to hoping that it's okay to just be a good mother!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
i'm having a baby in 16 days. SIXTEEN DAYS! another baby. i already have one baby! well, he's not really a baby so much any more. he's more of toddler. what's in the middle of toddler and baby? would that be a twoddler? what in the world was God thinking when he decided it was time to bless us with another baby? i thought i was nervous when my due date was approaching with silas. this is terror. sheer terror.
i'm serious. i'm terrified right now. i have no idea how to handle two children under the age of two. don't even think about saying something like 'well, you didn't know how to handle a newborn until you had silas' to me either. i might punch you in the face. you know i'm in a tizzy when i threaten bodily harm. i'm a passivist for pete's sake!
i'm afraid of how silas will react. he's been the center of my attention for 15 months. his whole life and now, all of a sudden, he's going to have to share. i'm trying hard to get him to sit beside me instead of on my lap. we're teaching 'gentle touch' instead of hitting (ask me how that's working out!). we talk about having a baby. i'm trying my best to prepare a 15 month old for a new brother, and i have no idea if he gets it or not. are we going to damage his little psyche by throwing this all on him? you must think i'm crazy.
all joking aside. i really am terrified. i'm nervous about having another c-section. i'm afraid i won't remember elijah's birth like how i don't remember silas being born. i'm afraid that i won't be able to give silas the affection that he needs simply because i can't pick him up and cuddle like we normally do. i'm afraid that this baby will always feel second.
does that make sense? that elijah will always feel second? i don't want that. i'm afraid that because he's the second born that he won't feel as important. i know that it's up to me and dave to make sure that doesn't happen, but what about everyone else? do people look at the second child differently than the first? i want him to be his own person. i want people to know his name is elijah, not silas's little brother. i want him to be able to feel just as important.
oh, i'm just rambling now.
sixteen days until my life changes drastically. again. i couldn't be more elated and terrified!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
-my husband who let me sleep in until 10:00 am. he got up with silas, fed him breakfast, romped around the playroom, and probably watched a veggietales video all while i slept. all spread out in the bed all by myself! it was glorious!
-a clean playroom. since i got to sleep in this morning, i had no need for a nap when silas went down. so while he and daddy napped, i tackled the playroom. silas was confused when he came back downstairs though! i even picked up the toys tonight after he went to bed. i must keep this up!
-the rain. last year, around this time, i made a comment to someone that when it was all rainy it made me miss being a teacher. my reason was because when i was teaching, and it was raining, i wished i was at home with a cup of coffee on my couch, reading a book. a year ago i was wishing that i was at school wishing that i was at home, with a cup of coffee, on my couch reading a book (did that make sense?). this year, though, when it's all rainy i snuggle my little guy and read him another book or stack another lego or wipe his runny nose for the 50th time and i drink my iced tea because being about 8 months pregnant makes me HOT! (i'm talking temperature here folks)
-my new camera. it allows me to take pictures that i am in love with.
i didn't take this one today, but it's an example! :o)
-decaf iced tea. i'm tired of water and every time i go to the baby doc he says 'drink more water'. the problem is that i have not so good water at my house. it's from a well and has sulfur in it. a not pregnant me could drink this water with no problems, but as soon as this bun got into the oven, that smell would almost kill me. even brushing my teeth makes me sick! so i'm constantly schlepping water from my parent's house and even though they have great water, i'm just tired of it. so iced tea it is!
-a good date book. it keeps me organized. i've got two graduate classes, a 14 month old (with various appointments...he's a busy little guy), bi-weekly OB visits, and a husband who has a work schedule that changes weekly. with the crazy pregnant brain that i've been experiencing lately, i'd drown without it!
-the thought that in a month i can go back to drinking more than one cup of coffee every now and then. i don't ever want to get back to my two pots a day addiction, but it would be nice to have a cup or two every day. just to keep me on my toes.
-christmas lists. this year we've decided to make as many of our gifts (for family and friends) as possible. so it's been fun to try to make a list of who would like this and so and so would LOVE that. i love giving presents!
-the quiet to finish this list. the husband is asleep, the boy is in his bed, the cats are keeping my feet warm, and it's quiet.
may your day/night/afternoon be a blessed one!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
-with getting in the floor to play with silas or to change a diaper. from here on out, he's going to get changed on the couch and if he wants to play with me, it's going to be at a table. go ahead, call me a bad mom! i dare ya! :o)
-being pregnant. i mean seriously. two pregnancies (and two c-sections) in two years is craziness. i found out i was pregnant with silas in october of 2009 and i'm having elijah in october of 2011. granted, i took a seven month break in there, but...i kind of know how my grandmother felt now.
-with trying to clean in long stretches. i tried to clean up the living room while silas was taking his morning nap. well, after about 30 minutes i was cramping and light headed. so i gave up. now he's taking his afternoon nap and i'm doing nothing. i need to start setting a timer for like 10 minutes. clean for 10, take a 10 minute break. clean for another 10, take another break. i feel like it will take forever, but it's got to be done.
-with silas sleeping in our bed. we have tried and tried to transition him out of our bed, but every time we think we're making progress, something happens and we're back to square one. i shouldn't say square one. square one would be him starting the night in our bed. he now starts the night in his bed, but then sometime around 2:00 am wanders over to me in my bed. i put him back in his bed, sit on the floor, rub his back, etc until he's back asleep. then it's the same thing around 3:30 am. then again at 4:45 am. by that time i'm so tired of getting in and out of bed, sitting on the floor, trying to get my pregnant butt back up, that i just let him crawl in bed with us. so this is my fault. i know it is, but i just don't know what else to do!
-with not being able to cuddle with my husband at night. whether it be because we have a squiggly 14 month old between us or because i have to use a massive body pillow to get comfortable with. i want to be able to lay on my side and throw one arm over my husbands stomach and lay my head on his chest. is that too much to ask?
-with this heat. i feel like a bad mom, because i can barely stand to take silas outside because it's soooo hot. if we go out in the mornings when it's not a billion degrees, we get all wet because of the dewy grass. if we go out in the early afternoon, we'll get sun burnt. if we go out in the evening, it's still blazing hot AND there are a million bugs that like to feed on my little boy. add on to that the fact that if i get slightly hot, my feet swell like crazy. thankfully he's got a daddy to take him outside and a papaw that is more than willing to play in the big outside with him.
-with this post. it feels good to let some of my complaints out into the void. i usually just keep them bottled up and to myself so as not to bother anyone. but it sure feels good to get them out!
and just because:
this actually happened on a cooler day. so i didn't mind being outside! :o)
Friday, September 9, 2011
it says: My Mommy is Exhausted...just in case you can't make it out in the pic...
but, all is not horrible! elijah is doing well, silas likes black beans and salsa, and dave and i get a 'date' night tomorrow. that is if i get all my homework done during the day!
so yeah. have a good night/day!
and just because....
Monday, August 29, 2011
rest assured, though, that if silas refuses to let you talk i'll step in! i won't let you be the brother that just sits by and does whatever big bro says. no siree! i want two strong willed sons! and even if that means that i have a shouting match or two on my hands, at least i know that you are sticking up for yourself buddy. you are telling your brother that you matter too and that your ideas are just as valid and good!
i really am wondering about you though. what color hair will you have? will your eyes be blue or some other color? will you be the quieter one? the planner? the calculator? silas just goes head first into everything without thinking it through. granted, he's only 13 months old but that's how he seems. will you walk and talk quicker than he did simply because you want to keep up? it is my prayer that you will be you. that i can help you find who that is. that you can be confident in your skin and own your self.
elijah, son of my heart, i love you. my second born. the boy that will make me a mama of two. the boy that i will protect fiercely, pray for daily, and always (always) love.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
i know that many moms have it a lot crazier than me. i'm not writing all this out with the hope that you will pat me on the back and tell me that i'm the world's greatest whatever and that i can accomplish whatever i set my mind to. cause you know what? i may not be the greatest anything, but you can bet your bottom dollar that I CAN accomplish whatever it is that i set my mind to. last semester i set the goal for a 3.5 gpa. this time around, with only two classes, i'm shooting for a 4.0. that's right folks. an A in both classes!
so let the late night reading commence. i've already hacked my way through half of one reading assignment and started on the written assignment for one class, finished up and submitted bios for each class, and it's only tuesday night. i'm feeling pretty good about right now!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
with this basket comes plans. i'm talking serious plans. plans that include blankets, apple slices, a thermos of something cold to drink, and peanut butter sandwiches. traipsing through the hay field to get the perfect sunny spot and then snapping the blanket out on the ground while my boys chase butterflies or lizards or sword fight with sticks. then we'll eat and discuss the blue sky and green grass and pursuing joy in everything we do. or maybe we'll pretend that we are stranded on an island and we're hiding from pirates. or maybe we've made it to narnia somehow and we've stopped for lunch before making the trek to the stone table to meet up with aslan.
(i told you to be prepared for glitter and rainbows here people!)
anyway, i have plans for this basket. i may even strap the boy to my back, traipse around the hay field, and try my hand at a picnic for two tomorrow. we'll see. for now, though, i'll stick to dreaming about the trips this basket will go on. i'll start planning excursions now so that i have a stock pile of ideas ready when silas or elijah asks for an adventure. every good adventure needs a good lunch. and every good lunch needs a picnic basket!
Monday, August 8, 2011
i'm starting to be over being pregnant. i'm getting beat up from the inside, not sleeping well, can't get comfortable, and i'm having problems playing with silas. he wants to be rough and tumble, and i'm fine with that, but he wants me to be rough and tumble with him. i just can't do it. praise the Lord that dave is rough and tumble with him. he gets home and 'rough houses' with silas and he gets his fix. for the most part.
my brain isn't working. so i'm just going to go for a list.
-my dryer has stopped working again. praise the Lord for a clothes line and warm weather.
-i love cheese. any kind. cheddar slices on whole wheat bread has become my go to snack. i'm even thinking about having it for breakfast.
-i'm praying for an early nap today. please God let silas take a nap early this afternoon!
-i'm too tired to write anymore.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
we clap and cheer every time it thunders at our house in hopes that silas won't be scared of thunder storms. as if on cue, the thunder started shortly after we ate breakfast (thankfully! clapping and cheering while eating is a bit hard right now). silas immediately started clapping without me. it was fun to see him start on his own, without my prompting. usually he gets this weird look on his face with loud thunder, then starts cheering after i do. today he did it on his own! so proud of that little dude.
i had more planned, but dave just walked in the door. so i'll be back for more later. maybe!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
am i saying that it is bad to plan and scheme and figure things out for the future? uhhh....BIG NOPE! did you read the post a few days ago? i'm preaching to myself here. yes we need plans and goals and time lines and dickened plans! but not at the cost of the moment. the right now awesome in your face life that happens every second of every day.
in three months i'll, more than likely, i'll have a week old baby and a fifteen month old. (please say a prayer for me!) in three months my son's life will forever change. he'll be a big brother and no longer the baby. i'm trying my hardest to live for every second. i'm making memories with just him. documenting his history as an only child. i'm putting dirt into a kiddy pool and adding water just so that i have a memory of him all by himself covered in ooey gooey mud (true story).
the weeks before silas was born i craved every single second of dave's attention. now in the weeks and months before elijah gets here i crave every single second of silas's attention. i want to make the most of every, single moment. remember every single hug. burn images into my mind of every smile.
with someone this cute that's not so hard though!
carpe diem folks!
Friday, July 29, 2011
i have converted my husband to the club of peanut butter on pancakes while we were still dating and i am very glad! my parents are a house divided. my dad smears the peanut buttery goodness all over his pancakes and waffles while my mom turns up her nose and spreads regular old butter. thankfully this is not cause for distress in their marriage!
let's just hope that elijah (have a shared that yet? the new baby will be elijah grey!) likes peanut butter on his pancakes. i don't think i could handle a house divided. no matter how much of an example my parents are!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
today i heard carrie underwood's song Temporary Home on pandora while silas and i were playing. i was immediately drawn to the words and had to look them up and find the video on youtube.
(warning it's a bit of a tear jerker...or maybe it's just because i'm in a contemplative mood and pregnant...read the lyrics here!)
i can't really relate to any of the characters in the song, but i can so relate to the mood and overall feel of the song. i'm in my temporary home. i'm not just talking about terra firma here, though my life on this earth is temporary. i'm talking about where i am in the world at this exact moment. my life right now.
don't misunderstand me, i love my life. i'm at home with son every day and get to witness him grow up right before my eyes. i'm growing another little boy. my marriage is great. my cats are good. our finances aren't perfect, but our heads are above water. i'm working on my masters. life is good. we're living, loving and pursuing happiness. i'm content.
but this is temporary.
this isn't exactly what i want for my family and for myself. i miss teaching like i would miss oxygen if it were suddenly taken from earth. i truly feel that God has called me to the teaching profession, but just not right now (i'm learning lesson in waiting). that career, or any career for that matter, makes me feel important. like i mean something. like i can have what i want because i deserve it. i want my own house, with walls that are painted the colors that i pick out instead of what my landlord wants. i want to put our hard earned money towards an investment instead of a rental. i want family vacations and spur of the moment weekend trips. i want to be able to afford to fix my car if something happens. i want to be able impulse buy a new gadget. i want to take my husband to the doctor when he is sick without worrying about the $75 check i have to write to cover the visit and then the $45 check i have to write to pay for his prescriptions. i want to be comfortable. i want to know that we are going to be able to pay for this winter's electric bill without sacrificing something else.
i know all that sounds selfish. every sentence in that last paragraph was i want. self centered. pity party invites all around! go ahead, tell me to be content. tell me to rely on the One Who Holds the Future. i'll agree with you. i do agree with you! i tell myself that on a daily basis. i pray for contentment and for the ability to rely fully on God. i'm getting there. i really am. God has taught me many, many things over the past year. but He never takes away my yearning for something more. He never takes away my dream of being back in the classroom. He never takes away my desire to have, and be, better for my family. and i'm learning to use those desires to push myself forward.
yes, things are tough sometimes. i still look back on how i came to be in this situation and i get angry and bitter. i'm working on that too. the difference now is that i'm trying to get myself out of this 'temporary home' and into a more permanent one. and i'm not just talking a house here people. i know that someday i'll be where i want to be. that i'll be doing what i love with people who love me. i know that my boys will grow up happy and loved and that my husband and i will be stronger because of this temporary home.
home is where my family is. right now it's in a big drafty farm house with bad insulation and drafty windows. tomorrow it's still going to be a big drafty farm house with bad insulation and drafty windows. but next year? in five years? who knows? for now, though, i'm working on being content in my temporary home.
"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
i have no idea what we will do when the new baby comes in regards to sleeping arrangements. call me a bad parent and question our decision to co-sleep all you want, but we love sleeping as a family. it feels natural and is what a whole big lot of the world does already. the problem is that i have to have a repeat c-section and i'm not sure i want silas squirming around all night while i'm trying to recover from major abdominal surgery. i don't think it would be good for either of us. so we need to figure something out. he HATES the crib and refuses to sleep in it. he'll sleep in the pack and play for a few hours, but not through the night like he does if he sleeps with us. oh well. we'll wing it. that's what we've been doing so far in this crazy thing called parenting.
i'm half-way there. the cook time for this new little guy is already half-way done. i can't even fathom it. i mean, i know i'm pregnant (thank you constant bathroom going and growing belly for reminding me) and that this baby is coming in october. i know that. i know that silas is going to have a little brother. i know lots and lots of things. it just seems so...not real. does that even make sense?
anyway, enough brooding. a LIST!
-i wish i could eat an entire watermelon. not a slice. not a few slices. THE ENTIRE THING!
-dutch is almost a year old. how in the world did that happen?
-i'm helping my dad photograph my cousin's wedding in PA this weekend. i am not looking forward to the long drives. i'll be so swollen my legs will look like an elephant. oh well! should be fun. that wasn't supposed to be sarcastic...if it was.
-silas has this crazy obsession with balls. he will chase a ball around the room forever!
-i'm hungry. all.the.time.
-i have a pile of laundry that needs done. asap.
-i finally found this cute pair of sandals that actually fit around my ankles and have a cute buckle. i'm really wanting to wear them to the wedding, but if i swell up then i won't be able to wear them and it's regular old flip flops for me! is it bad that i'm going to be wearing flip flops to a wedding? i'm pregnant! if they don't like it...why am i even worried. they aren't going to be caring about my footwear! the happy couple have much more on their minds!
-i think that is enough for now!
i hope your day is full of living and loving!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
in other news, silas is FINALLY cutting his first tooth. he hasn't been cranky about it at all either. i actually probably wouldn't have noticed except my mom was hear today and he was gnawing on her finger and she felt it. so all in one day we have a tooth and another little boy. it's been exciting in this house today!
after our appointment today, we made a trip to walmart to do some grocery shopping. we have a swiper! well, silas didn't really swipe a book, i was waiting for dave and i picked up this cool little dino book. i gave it to silas to look at for a few minutes while i read the back of a book that i'm kind of interested in. anyway, dave came back and i finished up reading the back of my book. i turned back to silas and saw that he didn't have the book. i thought that maybe dave had taken it from him and put it back. when we got home, as we were unloading the bags, i realized he must have thrown it into the cart when i wasn't looking. i'm sure it won't be the last time i pay for some small item that i wasn't expecting to pay for. at least it was a really cool book!
hope your day is full of living and loving!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
which also leads me to think about baby number 2. we've only got about 4 months until they make their debut!
my brain is CRAZY right now. that's all i've got for now. more later today/tomorrow.
Friday, May 27, 2011
i was lying in bed all comfy cozy, but then i started thinking about the clothes that i put in the dryer before i went upstairs. then i started thinking about that stupid commercial about how lint balls are extremely flammable and that you should routinely inspect and clean your vents. well, i don't know how to routinely inspect or clean my vents and thus i became paranoid. all i could do was lay there and think of different ways that we would get out of this house if it went up in flames. i was tossing and turning and praying that these images of my house going up in flames and dave and i jumping from our porch roof and one of us throwing silas to the other once they were on the ground would just leave me alone, but they didn't. so what did i do? i came down stairs and now i'm waiting for the dryer to go off so that i can sleep in peace knowing that my lint balls aren't going to go up in flames.
praise the Lord, there was the buzzer!
ever since i had silas i CANNOT help but think of these crazy things. this winter i was terrified that one of us would kick the blanket off the bed and that it would get to close to the space heater and catch fire. then there was the week that i was convinced that a mouse was going to climb through a hole in my upstairs floor and get into bed with silas and bite him. now i'm afraid that somehow there will be a snake in my house and that my dryer is going to burst into flames. who knows what i'm going to be terrified of this fall! i think i'm going crazy, or i'm just a mom. i haven't figured it out yet. i'll let you know when i do.
hope your day/night/morning/afternoon/whenever you are reading this is full of living and loving!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
-we are counting down the days until our anniversary. three days away. just the two of us. it's going to be GREAT! only 15 more days...
-i don't think i will every be caught up with laundry. every time i think i have a handle on it, i find another pile. oh well.
-i ended up with a 3.5 gpa this semester. i'm proud of myself. two A's and two B's. i'm not sure that those letters should have an apostrophe, but i didn't want to write that i had two As. whatever.
-i'm pretty sure that i don't have to take the GRE now (because of said GPA). i just have to get the department chair to waive the GRE requirement for unconditional admission. my advisor says that it shouldn't be a problem.
-i'm feeling little baby flutters. not full on kicks, obviously, but little flutters that i KNOW are NOT gas.
-the boy is stressing me out lately because he's decided that he wants to drink a million (okay, that's an exaggeration) bottles a day instead of eating real food. i know that he's getting plenty of nutrients from formula, but soon formula has to stop and he's just not digging the real food. he's decided that if it's pureed, it's not good and if he can't feed himself then it's not worth his time. i'm in for a real treat with this one!
-i LOVE my hair when i'm pregnant. it's actually full and thick and grows like crazy. i wish i could keep it after the baby is born. but no. i start losing it by the hand fulls as soon as i deliver. oh well.
-if we have a son i want to name him samwise (as in frodo's best friend) but dave is putting his foot down. not that i really blame him, but i mean come on! samwise is the greatest literary example of loyalty and of what a real friend looks like. oh well, maybe he'll let me name our next pet samwise.
-the boy hasn't been sleeping well the past couple of nights. which means that i haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights. it's cool though. he lets me cuddle and nap with him.
-i feel horrible that i didn't vote today. i'm being serious too.
-this is getting long enough, and my eyes are starting to get heavy. two very good signs.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
every time it rains, especially if there is thunder and lightning, i take dutch out to the porch for a bit. i have two reasons for this. the first being that i think if i expose him to the storms now, he won't be terrified of thunder storms when he's older. loud fireworks? not a problem, this little has been exposed to booming thunder and flashing lightning since he was itty bitty! that's my thinking anyway. we'll see if it works out. the second, and more important, reason is that i need a porch sitting, rain watching buddy. the poet humors me on occasion and joins me while i watch and listen to it rain, but he would rather be doing something else. i appreciate when he comes, but i want someone out there with me that loves it as much as i do. so i'm conditioning dutch to like the rain! i mean, i go as far as sleeping in a different room with him if it's raining. the guest room is the best room in the house for rain sleeping. and if there's one thing i love just as much as porch sitting and rain watching, it's bed laying and rain sleeping!
who knows if it will work for me. i'm hoping that i'll end up with a boy that cuddles with me on the porch swing as we watch the rain roll in. maybe he'll ask me questions about the sky and the grass. or maybe we'll talk about veggietales and dragons. the ultimate hope is that one day, after he's moved out, he'll come back and sit on the porch with me. then we'll talk about life and love and pursuing happiness. we'll drink mugs of rich coffee with cream and he'll tell me all about his adventures.
a girl can dream, right?!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
i worry sometimes that when the new little comes that you will be jealous, that i won't have time for you, and that i'm cutting your babyhood short. i worry that this isn't panning out like it should and maybe it would have better if we had waited a bit more. my head knows that my love will multiply, and not divide, when this new baby enters our lives. my head knows that everything will pan out just fine and that this is God's plan and He's in control. my head knows that i will make time for you and that you've had just enough babyhood. my head knows lots of things.
but my heart, well my heart is another story. it is a process of getting my head and heart to agree on things. it has always been that way for me. sometimes this is a good thing about your mama, and sometimes it's not so good. i'm in the process of getting my head and heart on the same page. i will get there, and when i do it's going to be amazing!
don't get me wrong buddy, i am looking forward to you having a brother or sister. i'm looking forward to your close bond and shared toys and christmas paper thrown all over the living room because you all have tasmania deviled your way through the presents. i'm looking forward to burnt waffles and scrambled eggs on my birthday and mothers day and homemade cards that you both sign. i look forward to being a mama of two. i look forward seeing you grow into your role as a big brother.
you will always be my first. my blue eyed wonder that clings to me when you are scared and smiles with your eyes. you will always be the first, and no one can take that away from you. you hold the title of making me a mama and that's pretty spectacular!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
i used to have this great way of getting myself to sleep. it was a variation of self hypnosis. it was great! i would describe, in excruciating detail, a movie theatre. i would start in the lobby and describe everything about it. how it smelled, what color the carpet was, how the lights looked. then i would go inside. the walls were black, the lights were grey, the carpet muffled my footsteps. i mean i described every.single.thing to myself. then, after choosing a seat i would watch, and count, as numbers came up on the screen. i would regulate my breathing so that i would breathe in when the number popped up and breathe out when it floated back down. i never made it past 15.
well, that doesn't work anymore. for some reason i can't do it. i just can't. i can't concentrate long enough to get out of the lobby and into the actual theatre. AND IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS! that was my fool proof way of getting to sleep for years. i need a new technique. any suggestions?
anyway, maybe if i make a list of the things running through my head my brain will shut off. so here goes:
-i really need to do laundry
-i need to get some formula for silas. asap. i'm praying that we have enough to make it through until dave gets home. if not, field trip with the boy!
-i'm sick to my stomach tonight. not sure why, but i seriously feel ill. like i need to sleep in the bathroom with my head over the toilet ill. it's not pleasant.
-what is with this weather getting cold again? my heater kicked on tonight. i'm not thrilled. not thrilled at all.
-i killed a hornet today. i didn't know it was a hornet at the time. i had to do a google image search. i'm not thrilled about a hornet in my house. the first thing that popped into my head after i killed it was "where are the others?" please God let there not be others!
-i'm in serious need of some husband wife time. and i'm not just talking bedroom time either. i want to be able to talk to my husband without a baby filling up all the minutes. i want to lay next to him and not have the boy between us. i love silas with my entire heart, but i need some dave/sarah time!
-with that revelation, i feel like a bad mom
-my eyes are so tired.
-hopefully i can sleep now!
hope your night/day/morning/whatever is full of living and loving!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
this is how i feel right now!
the doc says that everything is good with the little bean2. i have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. which is a pain, but manageable. but the day after this little comes out, it's chocolate donuts and a large, very sweet coffee!!!
that's all for now. i need to check the boy to see if he feels warm and see if another dose of tylenol is in order. oh, and i need that thing called sleep. i almost forgot what that stuff was.
i hope your day/night/morning/whatever is full of living and loving!!!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
so much for blogging on a regular basis huh? technically, i guess i didn’t say how often you would hear from me, so i guess i shouldn’t feel guilty! that’s what i’m telling myself anyway. cause i got no room for guilt in this life of mine!
tonight silas and i are sleeping in a different room than dave. no one is in a dog house, so don’t jump to conclusions. in our spare room, the porch’s roof is right outside the window. the bed is right under that window. our roof is tin. it’s raining tonight. do i really need to explain any further? it’s been raining for several nights you say. it is unknown to me why i haven’t thought of this sooner. dave doesn’t get the the whole “fall asleep listening to the rain on the tin roof” thing. he’d rather sleep in our bed with our fan with our sheets and covers. so the boy and i abandoned him tonight! i mean, i’m so excited about sleeping in that room that i didn’t even put silas in his bed first. i just put him to bed in the spare room! i’m being bad!
i will teach my son to love the rain. now that it’s warm and my dad has brought us my porch swing, we sit on the porch and listen to it rain. he’s not afraid when it gets loud on the roof or when the wind blows hard or when the thunder cracks really loud. i let my boy put his hands in the drips from the gutters and when it’s warmer this summer, we will dance in the rain. if it’s raining during nap times, we high tail it the spare room and he falls asleep to that beautiful pitter patter. i’ll teach him to drink hot coffee (well, probably hot chocolate until he’s a bit older) when it’s raining and to curl up under a blanket with a good book. I’ll teach him that the best time to nap is when it’s raining and if you can hear it...well, those are the best naps.
enough about raining and naps and what i will be teaching my son. i am teaching my son to give high fives. we’re very close. i can get him to touch my hand when i say “give me five!” it’s not a smack though and he won’t do it to anyone else, but we’re getting there!
i went to the baby doc today. everything is going good. lost a little weight because of the diet i was put on. i have gestational diabetes again and with that diagnosis comes a diet that i really should stick to. it lost a bunch of weight after silas was born by sticking to that diet. i’m sure i won’t be losing anymore though. i did the same thing with my last pregnancy though. as soon as i started the diet, i lost a bit of weight and then kind of just stayed steady. so that’s good i guess!
hope you guys are doing spectacular! good night/day/evening/whenever!!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
there is, actually, much to talk about. i have a crawler who crawls all over the place. he’s pulling up and cruising along all the furniture and every little fall is a complete crisis. he still doesn’t have any teeth, but he is eating a good amount of table food. his favorites being pasta, cheese, toast, yogurt, and chex. he’s his mama’s son! he fake sneezes as soon as you do, laughs with his whole body and smiles with his whole face. he’s my heart!
i’m up to my eyeballs in school work and i can’t wait until it’s over for the summer! i’ve got decent grades, but i’m finding that the perfection i craved in my undergraduate studies isn’t really on my priority list. yes, i care about my grades....but well, it’s different this time around. i’ve also bit off more than i can chew. what in the heck was i thinking taking 12 credit hours and having a child running around?! i’m hoping for a 3.0. sounds crazy coming from me, who used to hope for a 4.0. but it is what it is and i’m perfectly okay with that!
my boy is going to be a big brother! the boy who made me a mama has about six more months of my undivided attention before a new bundle comes. sometimes i think “what am i thinking?! having two under two?!” that’s two times the diapers. two times the crying. two times the smiles. and two times the love! i’m excited to see how this new little will fit into our lives. silas just fit. as soon as he came to be, it was like he had always been there. sure there were ups, downs, and oh my goodness-es, but he made population 2 population 3. this little will make us population 4, and we’re excited about that!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
we spent most of the day basking in the loving glow that is our family. we gazed lovingly into each other's eyes and said things like "you complete me" and "i can not imagine my life without you in it." the baby went down perfectly and dave and i had perfect husband wife time.
wait, what? oh, i'm sorry. i must have started typing out the synopsis of my sure-to-be-a-blockbuster chick flick. that is sooooo not how our day went down.
i actually spent the day in my pajamas with a little that did the same. we had two diaper blowouts and a leaky nap time pee diaper. i hadn't had a shower in two days and i can't remember if i brushed my teeth or not. it was pure elegance in that you-better-tell-me-i'm-elegant-or-i'm-going-to-rip-your-face-off type of way. at least i got a good kiss that morning!
dave went out later that day to pick up his check. i wasn't expecting anything, but this dude sure made my day! he gets me in a way that no one else does. and boy does he listen! he remembers things that i say that i don't even remember saying. like how i only like zero bars when i have a&w root beer to drink with it. and how pink and purple are my favorite colors and that i can't decide which one i like better. and how daisies are friendly flowers. and nerd candy is my secret obsession.
anyway i hear his truck pull into the driveway and in he walks. he closes all the blinds and tells me to sit on the couch and not move. he comes and gets me a few minutes later. this is what i saw!
pink and yellow gerber daisies, my favorite coffee (whole bean eight o'clock coffee - french roast), heavy whipping cream for my coffee, and my secret coffee splurge (starbucks frappuccino).
i'm not a rose kind of girl. they are lovely, but if you're going to get me flowers, daisies are the way to go. i never buy whole bean coffee and whipping cream anymore. that's what a tight budget will do. i will always love the coffee ritual of grinding your own beans, waiting for the machine to stop brewing (or actually just brew enough to pour a cup) and then mixing in the heavy whipping cream. if you have never used whipping cream as creamer, you are missing out. and secret splurges are just that. only certain people know that you like them. i'm not a coffee snob, but normally i don't go for the sweet, sweet stuff. but he knows i like them every now and then.
he's a keeper!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
1 brownie mix
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup light oil
3/4 cup creamy peanut butter
2 packages chocolate instant pudding
1 3/4 cups milk
1 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
1 container of whipped topping
1/2 cup peanut butter
1. preheat oven and prepare pan according to brownie mix directions.
2. beat all brownie layer ingredients together until smooth. the batter will be sort of thick.
3. bake according to box directions.
4. allow to cool completely.
5. cut into bite size chunks.
1. empty packages of pudding mix into large mixing bowl
2. add milk and whipping cream and whisk until smooth
3. add peanut butter and whisk again
4. fold in whipped topping
(the pudding will be thicker than normal pudding)
select your container (trifle dish, wine goblets, whatever) and start layering. i start with the pudding, then brownies, then whipped topping, repeat until you get to the top. you can serve right away, or chill until ready to serve. i think it would look extra awesome with some shaved chocolate on the top!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
take right now for example. i'm feeling guilty because i am taking a few minutes to myself. the little is asleep, the poet is at work, and i should be doing the dishes or homework or sweeping my horrible floors or doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom or reading for school or a million other things that i could easily come up with. i need someone to invent a machine that will stop time so that i can get everything accomplished and still have time to be a loving wife and mother. please? anyone? i don't have much money to pay, but i can make a fantastic chocolate peanut butter bomb!
i struggle with a lot of things. right now i'm struggling with who i actually am. i've got all these hats and labels and when i try to put them all together they clash horribly, like a fiery red head wearing cotton candy pink (no offense fiery red heads with an affinity for pink). i try to be a mom and wife and homemaker and student. it's not working out so well for me. let's put it this way, i have one assignment due tonight, my floors are begging to be swept and mopped (i will not tell you the last time that they actually got swept and mopped...i don't want to look that bad), and i have no idea what we are having for dinner.
i try to make lists and cross things off. that works sometimes, except i hate when i can't just go straight down the list. i hate when i have to skip something and come back to it later.
i have no idea why i'm even writing this. maybe just getting it out there into the void will clear some space in my head.
speaking of lists, maybe writing one will get things out of my brain.
-being a mom is hard.
-being a graduate student is hard.
-being a wife is hard.
-putting those three together is REALLY hard.
-i'm trying to find joy in the fact that not running my dryer is saving me money, but i loathe doing laundry without one. it takes FOREVER.
-i need some chocolate.
-coffee sounds good right now, but i don't need the caffeine this late. decaf is just an abomination.
-i can't spell to save my life. good thing i'm cute.
-i wish i could just have one day of doing absolutely nothing. laying around watching movies, eating ice cream all day kind of nothing.
-anyone want to come clean my house?
-i am almost out of underwear. guess i need to do my own laundry.
-that is all.
Monday, February 7, 2011
i hate to complain about anything. i really do, but my hands are in a constant state of frozen. recently, i have taken to holding my mug for extended periods of time so that my hands can thaw. If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could we please have some iced coffee weather? weather that allows my hands to be normal body temperature and allows me to enjoy a wonderfully ice filled coffee? i would really appreciate that.
i do understand, though, if that's not your will for the middle of febuary, but i've been taught to come to you with my concerns.
thank you God,
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
several years ago, back when my grandpa was in relatively good health, my uncle dan wanted to log part of his property so that he could build a barn. uncle dan enlisted the help of his two brothers and his father to get the job done. i can just imagine the three brothers and their dad all together. grandpa in his finest i-know-how-to-do-this-so-listen-to-me-boys mood and the boys anxious to spend the day with their dad. apparently they spent the day doing back breaking work and cleared the area just like uncle dan wanted.
during the course of their logging, they came upon a walnut tree. my grandpa was a furniture maker and his favorite wood to work with was walnut. so they saved this tree and had it processed (or whatever it is you have to do to make trees into lumber to use) and gave it all to my grandpa. i'm sure he used it to make beautiful furniture for his sweetheart (i can't verify this, but that's what i like to think happened to that wood) a couple years after my grandpa passed away my uncle dan came to my dad with a piece of walnut and explained that it was from the tree that they had logged with grandpa. dad gladly accepted it and put it away for something special.
well, silas entered the picture and dad started thinking about what he could get his first grandson for christmas. he couldn't think of anything that screamed 'special' and was getting a bit upset about it. he happened upon the walnut panel in his shop and decided he would make something for silas. so with a nod to his dad, who made very similar stools for his grandchildren many years ago, he made this stool for silas. a gift from him and his dad.
but that's not the end of the story. dad did not have the tools, nor talent (maybe?) to do the writing on the stool. he wanted to put silas's name and the date on it, but didn't have a way to do it. so he and my mom took a trip to the smokey mountains and found a wood carver. the carver didn't really want to do the carving since walnut was such a hard wood. he was afraid he would mess it up. dad assured him that if he did mess it up it wouldn't be that big of a deal, even though dad was praying that this man wouldn't ruin his special piece of wood. the carver finally agreed and did a wonderful job!
when he was done the carver was pleased with how it turned out. dad then proceeded to tell him how special the wood was and how it came to be so special and what it was for. the carver refused payment and just asked that when the story of this stool was told that he got added to the story.
that is the story. i may not have written it in the most interesting, readable fashion but there it is. mostly for my memory and for silas. if you enjoyed it, then it's just icing on the cake!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
so since i started taking classes towards my masters, i needed my own space to work and spread out. working on the couch from my laptop just wasn't doing it for me. i kept getting distracted. so we turned our 'dining room' into a home office-ish space. it's working out well. except, i still kind of get distracted. this could be the reason: