i am working very hard at not feeling guilty, but then i end up feeling guilty because i feel guilty...it's a vicious cycle.
take right now for example. i'm feeling guilty because i am taking a few minutes to myself. the little is asleep, the poet is at work, and i should be doing the dishes or homework or sweeping my horrible floors or doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom or reading for school or a million other things that i could easily come up with. i need someone to invent a machine that will stop time so that i can get everything accomplished and still have time to be a loving wife and mother. please? anyone? i don't have much money to pay, but i can make a fantastic chocolate peanut butter bomb!
i struggle with a lot of things. right now i'm struggling with who i actually am. i've got all these hats and labels and when i try to put them all together they clash horribly, like a fiery red head wearing cotton candy pink (no offense fiery red heads with an affinity for pink). i try to be a mom and wife and homemaker and student. it's not working out so well for me. let's put it this way, i have one assignment due tonight, my floors are begging to be swept and mopped (i will not tell you the last time that they actually got swept and mopped...i don't want to look that bad), and i have no idea what we are having for dinner.
i try to make lists and cross things off. that works sometimes, except i hate when i can't just go straight down the list. i hate when i have to skip something and come back to it later.
i have no idea why i'm even writing this. maybe just getting it out there into the void will clear some space in my head.
speaking of lists, maybe writing one will get things out of my brain.
-being a mom is hard.
-being a graduate student is hard.
-being a wife is hard.
-putting those three together is REALLY hard.
-i'm trying to find joy in the fact that not running my dryer is saving me money, but i loathe doing laundry without one. it takes FOREVER.
-i need some chocolate.
-coffee sounds good right now, but i don't need the caffeine this late. decaf is just an abomination.
-i can't spell to save my life. good thing i'm cute.
-i wish i could just have one day of doing absolutely nothing. laying around watching movies, eating ice cream all day kind of nothing.
-anyone want to come clean my house?
-i am almost out of underwear. guess i need to do my own laundry.
-that is all.
i'm done.
oh boy. i could have written this post a thousand times! trying to define myself as a mom has been an as-of-yet-impossible feat, especially since i have been unwilling to give up the work that helped to define who i was - working, school, and two major volunteer projects. so as i try to redefine myself, i can't let go of who i was and what i did... but i'm no longer that person and no longer have time for those projects! i hate trying to fit it all together. it's messy and ugly and haphazard. my floors haven't been mopped since i caught my mom doing it during a bbq at my house on labor day. and, to further prove how aligned our situations are, i am an obsessive list-maker and collect all the incomplete lists and today my pie was napping and my mountain man was home, so i made a special trip to the store to buy chocolate. i got the ghirardelli 70% cacao bittersweet bar from the baking aisle, because you get more chocolate that way! (and... death before decaf!)
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