Friday, May 27, 2011

i can't sleep because of lint balls!

i seriously have been sitting here for like 20 minutes trying to figure out what to write about. i haven't written in awhile, and i know you have just been on pins and needles waiting for me to put fingertips to keyboard keys and bust out a post. sorry to keep you waiting for so long! :o)

i was lying in bed all comfy cozy, but then i started thinking about the clothes that i put in the dryer before i went upstairs. then i started thinking about that stupid commercial about how lint balls are extremely flammable and that you should routinely inspect and clean your vents. well, i don't know how to routinely inspect or clean my vents and thus i became paranoid. all i could do was lay there and think of different ways that we would get out of this house if it went up in flames. i was tossing and turning and praying that these images of my house going up in flames and dave and i jumping from our porch roof and one of us throwing silas to the other once they were on the ground would just leave me alone, but they didn't. so what did i do? i came down stairs and now i'm waiting for the dryer to go off so that i can sleep in peace knowing that my lint balls aren't going to go up in flames.

praise the Lord, there was the buzzer!

ever since i had silas i CANNOT help but think of these crazy things. this winter i was terrified that one of us would kick the blanket off the bed and that it would get to close to the space heater and catch fire. then there was the week that i was convinced that a mouse was going to climb through a hole in my upstairs floor and get into bed with silas and bite him. now i'm afraid that somehow there will be a snake in my house and that my dryer is going to burst into flames. who knows what i'm going to be terrified of this fall! i think i'm going crazy, or i'm just a mom. i haven't figured it out yet. i'll let you know when i do.

hope your day/night/morning/afternoon/whenever you are reading this is full of living and loving!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

nothing to say

i have nothing to say tonight. not really. but my mind, like it so often does, is going in 9 million different directions, and i can't seem to reconcile them into the direction that ends up in sleep. sometimes if i list things out, i can focus and get it together. so here goes. a list.

-we are counting down the days until our anniversary. three days away. just the two of us. it's going to be GREAT! only 15 more days...
-i don't think i will every be caught up with laundry. every time i think i have a handle on it, i find another pile. oh well.
-i ended up with a 3.5 gpa this semester. i'm proud of myself. two A's and two B's. i'm not sure that those letters should have an apostrophe, but i didn't want to write that i had two As. whatever.
-i'm pretty sure that i don't have to take the GRE now (because of said GPA). i just have to get the department chair to waive the GRE requirement for unconditional admission. my advisor says that it shouldn't be a problem.
-i'm feeling little baby flutters. not full on kicks, obviously, but little flutters that i KNOW are NOT gas.
-the boy is stressing me out lately because he's decided that he wants to drink a million (okay, that's an exaggeration) bottles a day instead of eating real food. i know that he's getting plenty of nutrients from formula, but soon formula has to stop and he's just not digging the real food. he's decided that if it's pureed, it's not good and if he can't feed himself then it's not worth his time. i'm in for a real treat with this one!
-i LOVE my hair when i'm pregnant. it's actually full and thick and grows like crazy. i wish i could keep it after the baby is born. but no. i start losing it by the hand fulls as soon as i deliver. oh well.
-if we have a son i want to name him samwise (as in frodo's best friend) but dave is putting his foot down. not that i really blame him, but i mean come on! samwise is the greatest literary example of loyalty and of what a real friend looks like. oh well, maybe he'll let me name our next pet samwise.
-the boy hasn't been sleeping well the past couple of nights. which means that i haven't been sleeping well the past couple of nights. it's cool though. he lets me cuddle and nap with him.
-i feel horrible that i didn't vote today. i'm being serious too.
-this is getting long enough, and my eyes are starting to get heavy. two very good signs.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

porch sitting and rain watching

tonight, before it started raining, i took dutch (ha! haven't called the little that in a while) out to the porch. it was lightning and thundering, but not thundering very loud yet. we sat on the swing and watched. the poet (i guess i'm feeling nostalgic tonight) joined us after a bit. dutch watched and clapped his hands at the light and sound show. he loves when the wind blows his hair all around his face.

every time it rains, especially if there is thunder and lightning, i take dutch out to the porch for a bit. i have two reasons for this. the first being that i think if i expose him to the storms now, he won't be terrified of thunder storms when he's older. loud fireworks? not a problem, this little has been exposed to booming thunder and flashing lightning since he was itty bitty! that's my thinking anyway. we'll see if it works out. the second, and more important, reason is that i need a porch sitting, rain watching buddy. the poet humors me on occasion and joins me while i watch and listen to it rain, but he would rather be doing something else. i appreciate when he comes, but i want someone out there with me that loves it as much as i do. so i'm conditioning dutch to like the rain! i mean, i go as far as sleeping in a different room with him if it's raining. the guest room is the best room in the house for rain sleeping. and if there's one thing i love just as much as porch sitting and rain watching, it's bed laying and rain sleeping!

who knows if it will work for me. i'm hoping that i'll end up with a boy that cuddles with me on the porch swing as we watch the rain roll in. maybe he'll ask me questions about the sky and the grass. or maybe we'll talk about veggietales and dragons. the ultimate hope is that one day, after he's moved out, he'll come back and sit on the porch with me. then we'll talk about life and love and pursuing happiness. we'll drink mugs of rich coffee with cream and he'll tell me all about his adventures.

a girl can dream, right?!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

dear silas,

i cannot look at you without being reminded that you are the blue eyed wonder that made me a mama. sure, daddy and i worked some magic and God thought it was time for you to show up, but you. you are the child that first uttered the words mama to me. you are the first child that reached for me when you needed comfort. you are the first child that i have nourished and watched grow. you are my first. you made me a mama, and for that i am so grateful.

i worry sometimes that when the new little comes that you will be jealous, that i won't have time for you, and that i'm cutting your babyhood short. i worry that this isn't panning out like it should and maybe it would have better if we had waited a bit more. my head knows that my love will multiply, and not divide, when this new baby enters our lives. my head knows that everything will pan out just fine and that this is God's plan and He's in control. my head knows that i will make time for you and that you've had just enough babyhood. my head knows lots of things.

but my heart, well my heart is another story. it is a process of getting my head and heart to agree on things. it has always been that way for me. sometimes this is a good thing about your mama, and sometimes it's not so good. i'm in the process of getting my head and heart on the same page. i will get there, and when i do it's going to be amazing!

don't get me wrong buddy, i am looking forward to you having a brother or sister. i'm looking forward to your close bond and shared toys and christmas paper thrown all over the living room because you all have tasmania deviled your way through the presents. i'm looking forward to burnt waffles and scrambled eggs on my birthday and mothers day and homemade cards that you both sign. i look forward to being a mama of two. i look forward seeing you grow into your role as a big brother.

you will always be my first. my blue eyed wonder that clings to me when you are scared and smiles with your eyes. you will always be the first, and no one can take that away from you. you hold the title of making me a mama and that's pretty spectacular!


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

what is it with me and 2 am blogging?

again, shouldn't i be sleeping? i completed what was on my list for the night for homework, i crawl under my covers, try to fall asleep, and nothing. my brain is still going 3 million miles a second, going every direction, not slowing down, and i can't get it to shut up. i hate that about me sometimes. during the day when i need my brain to go in all those different ways it's great! i love that my brain can handle a bunch at once. i can sing to my son, read an article, catch up on the news, and possibly drink a cup of coffee all at once. but at night. JUST SHUT UP! i scream that to myself on a regular basis.

i used to have this great way of getting myself to sleep. it was a variation of self hypnosis. it was great! i would describe, in excruciating detail, a movie theatre. i would start in the lobby and describe everything about it. how it smelled, what color the carpet was, how the lights looked. then i would go inside. the walls were black, the lights were grey, the carpet muffled my footsteps. i mean i described every.single.thing to myself. then, after choosing a seat i would watch, and count, as numbers came up on the screen. i would regulate my breathing so that i would breathe in when the number popped up and breathe out when it floated back down. i never made it past 15.

well, that doesn't work anymore. for some reason i can't do it. i just can't. i can't concentrate long enough to get out of the lobby and into the actual theatre. AND IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS! that was my fool proof way of getting to sleep for years. i need a new technique. any suggestions?

anyway, maybe if i make a list of the things running through my head my brain will shut off. so here goes:

-i really need to do laundry
-i need to get some formula for silas. asap. i'm praying that we have enough to make it through until dave gets home. if not, field trip with the boy!
-i'm sick to my stomach tonight. not sure why, but i seriously feel ill. like i need to sleep in the bathroom with my head over the toilet ill. it's not pleasant.
-what is with this weather getting cold again? my heater kicked on tonight. i'm not thrilled. not thrilled at all.
-i killed a hornet today. i didn't know it was a hornet at the time. i had to do a google image search. i'm not thrilled about a hornet in my house. the first thing that popped into my head after i killed it was "where are the others?" please God let there not be others!
-i'm in serious need of some husband wife time. and i'm not just talking bedroom time either. i want to be able to talk to my husband without a baby filling up all the minutes. i want to lay next to him and not have the boy between us. i love silas with my entire heart, but i need some dave/sarah time!
-with that revelation, i feel like a bad mom
-my eyes are so tired.
-i'm done.
-hopefully i can sleep now!

hope your night/day/morning/whatever is full of living and loving!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

shouldn't i be sleeping?!

i am in serious need of a break. thankfully i have this week and two finals next week and my first semester as a grad student is over! praise the Lord and pass the chocolate!!! but let me tell you. this week, this week is going to be CRAZY! i got slightly behind a couple weeks ago and have been playing catch up ever since. well, the time for catch up is over. if i'm not caught up by saturday...well i'm not even going to entertain that thought. i will be done by saturday!

How Stress Affects the Body
this is how i feel right now!

in other news, and add this to my stress inducing factors, the boy has been running a fever all day. it hasn't been below 100.1 since i first took his temp this morning around 4:00 am. i'm hoping that tomorrow (today actually since it's 2:14 am {why the hey am i still up}) isn't like today was. he refused to be anywhere but in my arms i know he's sick and i held him all day, but i REALLY need to get some stuff done tomorrow. really. like really, really. does that make me a bad mom?

the doc says that everything is good with the little bean2. i have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. which is a pain, but manageable. but the day after this little comes out, it's chocolate donuts and a large, very sweet coffee!!!

that's all for now. i need to check the boy to see if he feels warm and see if another dose of tylenol is in order. oh, and i need that thing called sleep. i almost forgot what that stuff was.

i hope your day/night/morning/whatever is full of living and loving!!!