dear silas,

i cannot look at you without being reminded that you are the blue eyed wonder that made me a mama. sure, daddy and i worked some magic and God thought it was time for you to show up, but you. you are the child that first uttered the words mama to me. you are the first child that reached for me when you needed comfort. you are the first child that i have nourished and watched grow. you are my first. you made me a mama, and for that i am so grateful.

i worry sometimes that when the new little comes that you will be jealous, that i won't have time for you, and that i'm cutting your babyhood short. i worry that this isn't panning out like it should and maybe it would have better if we had waited a bit more. my head knows that my love will multiply, and not divide, when this new baby enters our lives. my head knows that everything will pan out just fine and that this is God's plan and He's in control. my head knows that i will make time for you and that you've had just enough babyhood. my head knows lots of things.

but my heart, well my heart is another story. it is a process of getting my head and heart to agree on things. it has always been that way for me. sometimes this is a good thing about your mama, and sometimes it's not so good. i'm in the process of getting my head and heart on the same page. i will get there, and when i do it's going to be amazing!

don't get me wrong buddy, i am looking forward to you having a brother or sister. i'm looking forward to your close bond and shared toys and christmas paper thrown all over the living room because you all have tasmania deviled your way through the presents. i'm looking forward to burnt waffles and scrambled eggs on my birthday and mothers day and homemade cards that you both sign. i look forward to being a mama of two. i look forward seeing you grow into your role as a big brother.

you will always be my first. my blue eyed wonder that clings to me when you are scared and smiles with your eyes. you will always be the first, and no one can take that away from you. you hold the title of making me a mama and that's pretty spectacular!

love,
mama