Thursday, July 21, 2011

temporary home

i am a horrible blogger. just throwing that out there and getting it out of the way! :o) now on to the actual post!

i have been tossing this post around in my head for quite sometime. i just haven't had the time, energy, or actual want to get it out of my head and into the great big internet. people who know me know that i suffer from occasional bouts of depression and every time i start to think about what i'm going to write, i'm likely to either be in a depressed state or about to head into one. this time though, i'm not going to. this time i'm looking with different eyes. hopefully.

today i heard carrie underwood's song Temporary Home on pandora while silas and i were playing. i was immediately drawn to the words and had to look them up and find the video on youtube.

(warning it's a bit of a tear jerker...or maybe it's just because i'm in a contemplative mood and the lyrics here!)

i can't really relate to any of the characters in the song, but i can so relate to the mood and overall feel of the song. i'm in my temporary home. i'm not just talking about terra firma here, though my life on this earth is temporary. i'm talking about where i am in the world at this exact moment. my life right now.

don't misunderstand me, i love my life. i'm at home with son every day and get to witness him grow up right before my eyes. i'm growing another little boy. my marriage is great. my cats are good. our finances aren't perfect, but our heads are above water. i'm working on my masters. life is good. we're living, loving and pursuing happiness. i'm content.

but this is temporary.

this isn't exactly what i want for my family and for myself. i miss teaching like i would miss oxygen if it were suddenly taken from earth. i truly feel that God has called me to the teaching profession, but just not right now (i'm learning lesson in waiting). that career, or any career for that matter, makes me feel important. like i mean something. like i can have what i want because i deserve it. i want my own house, with walls that are painted the colors that i pick out instead of what my landlord wants. i want to put our hard earned money towards an investment instead of a rental. i want family vacations and spur of the moment weekend trips. i want to be able to afford to fix my car if something happens. i want to be able impulse buy a new gadget. i want to take my husband to the doctor when he is sick without worrying about the $75 check i have to write to cover the visit and then the $45 check i have to write to pay for his prescriptions. i want to be comfortable. i want to know that we are going to be able to pay for this winter's electric bill without sacrificing something else.

i know all that sounds selfish. every sentence in that last paragraph was i want. self centered. pity party invites all around! go ahead, tell me to be content. tell me to rely on the One Who Holds the Future. i'll agree with you. i do agree with you! i tell myself that on a daily basis. i pray for contentment and for the ability to rely fully on God. i'm getting there. i really am. God has taught me many, many things over the past year. but He never takes away my yearning for something more. He never takes away my dream of being back in the classroom. He never takes away my desire to have, and be, better for my family. and i'm learning to use those desires to push myself forward.

yes, things are tough sometimes. i still look back on how i came to be in this situation and i get angry and bitter. i'm working on that too. the difference now is that i'm trying to get myself out of this 'temporary home' and into a more permanent one. and i'm not just talking a house here people. i know that someday i'll be where i want to be. that i'll be doing what i love with people who love me. i know that my boys will grow up happy and loved and that my husband and i will be stronger because of this temporary home.

home is where my family is. right now it's in a big drafty farm house with bad insulation and drafty windows. tomorrow it's still going to be a big drafty farm house with bad insulation and drafty windows. but next year? in five years? who knows? for now, though, i'm working on being content in my temporary home.


"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

1 comment:

  1. so glad to hear from you, even when it's out of frustration. we're very literally in a "temporary home" and trying to figure out what's next in our lives in many different areas. i still can't quite figure out what i really want for my life, and what i really want for my family - but i also have a long list of "wants". and every time i look at other people and wonder how it is that they have it figured out or how unfair it is that they "have it all", i remind myself that no one does, and they're just looking at the house up the street the same way i'm looking at them. so the challenge really is to find contentment - my own version of "enough". i can usually feel it now, but it's taken a long time and it's sometimes fleeting.