no seriously? can i? because i'm about to be honest. really honest. like should-she-really-post-this-on-the-internet honest here.
i'm having a baby in 16 days. SIXTEEN DAYS! another baby. i already have one baby! well, he's not really a baby so much any more. he's more of toddler. what's in the middle of toddler and baby? would that be a twoddler? what in the world was God thinking when he decided it was time to bless us with another baby? i thought i was nervous when my due date was approaching with silas. this is terror. sheer terror.
i'm serious. i'm terrified right now. i have no idea how to handle two children under the age of two. don't even think about saying something like 'well, you didn't know how to handle a newborn until you had silas' to me either. i might punch you in the face. you know i'm in a tizzy when i threaten bodily harm. i'm a passivist for pete's sake!
i'm afraid of how silas will react. he's been the center of my attention for 15 months. his whole life and now, all of a sudden, he's going to have to share. i'm trying hard to get him to sit beside me instead of on my lap. we're teaching 'gentle touch' instead of hitting (ask me how that's working out!). we talk about having a baby. i'm trying my best to prepare a 15 month old for a new brother, and i have no idea if he gets it or not. are we going to damage his little psyche by throwing this all on him? you must think i'm crazy.
all joking aside. i really am terrified. i'm nervous about having another c-section. i'm afraid i won't remember elijah's birth like how i don't remember silas being born. i'm afraid that i won't be able to give silas the affection that he needs simply because i can't pick him up and cuddle like we normally do. i'm afraid that this baby will always feel second.
does that make sense? that elijah will always feel second? i don't want that. i'm afraid that because he's the second born that he won't feel as important. i know that it's up to me and dave to make sure that doesn't happen, but what about everyone else? do people look at the second child differently than the first? i want him to be his own person. i want people to know his name is elijah, not silas's little brother. i want him to be able to feel just as important.
oh, i'm just rambling now.
sixteen days until my life changes drastically. again. i couldn't be more elated and terrified!