overwhelmed

tonight, as i lay in bed trying desperately to go to sleep, i was tempted to start to worry and stress. the logical part of my brain was telling me that i was normal, and justified, in being worried and stressed. i mean, i'm having a baby a week from thursday, i don't have a job, my insurance runs out at the end of july, and i'm having a baby a week from thursday. did i mention that i'm having a baby a week from thursday and i don't have a job? so i gave in to temptation and started to worry. bad move, but it happened. i drug myself out of bed so that my shaking sobs wouldn't wake The Poet and i went to the nursery. i sat in the rocker and cried. cried for my baby. cried because i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it through labor. cried because i don't have a job, and that worries me like no other. cried because i was wondering what my purpose in this life was. then i cried some more.

finally through the tears, i started to pray. now you praying people out there were probably already screaming at your screens for me to just pray already...but you know how it goes. anyway, i prayed. the same prayer that i've prayed many times in the past two months. prayed for guidance and strength. i prayed for faith and courage. then i grabbed my Bible and prayed for a passage to help me feel a little better. and you know what i was led to? nothing in the Bible at all. as i flipped through the pages trying to find a psalm to soothe me or a passage that pertained to lilies and sparrows not having to worry, so why should i, all i could think of were two little volumes of poetry that i had on our book shelf.

the first was a VERY battered copy of 100 selected poems, by e.e. cummings


the other, also very battered, was a copy of someone else to love, by Susan Polis Schutz. (i couldn't find a copy online to get a good pic of, so here's a pic of my copy.)


both books are very slim. i probably could have read both of them all the way through, but a few of the poems just kept running through my head so i had to read them. and they spoke to me. soothed me. allowed me to breathe again. i am convinced that i would not have found this comfort in the pages of my Bible. this comfort from 'real' people in words that i completely, 100% understand, couldn't be found in the Psalms tonight.

so, tonight, i thank God for the comfort He gives through other's words. the comfort that is passed on through His given gifts. tonight i can breathe again because of e.e.'s leaping greenly spirits of trees and susan's thoughts on a child of the mountains.

and later, i will lay my head back on my pillow, curl my arm around The Poet and sleep the sleep of a calm, yet somehow overwhelmed, pregnant woman. who chooses today (again) to let go and let God.