adjusting

adjusting is the theme for this past week, and i'm sure for weeks to come. elijah is adjusting to being on the outside. silas is adjusting to having a brother and everything that entails. dave and i are adjusting to what it means to be parents of two. we, as a family of four, are adjusting to being. just being.

silas is having a hard time, and i can understand that. he doesn't really have a way to express his emotions and it's coming out in aggressive actions and temper tantrums. he will randomly smack whoever he is closest to (and this has been elijah on several occasions). he has started banging his head on the floor when he doesn't get his way. whining all day. i feel bad for him. i feel like i spend half (or more) of the day telling him 'no' or losing my patience with him because he has smacked, or head butted, me in the face. again. i don't want to be that mom. the one that is constantly yelling or disciplining her children. i want the good to outweigh the bad, but right now...well. we're adjusting.

elijah's jaundice is getting better. he is still a bit yellowish, but not nearly as bad as what it was. he's adjusting quite well to the feeding schedule that the doctor wants him on. two to three ounces every two to three hours. i, on the other hand, am not adjusting well. i feel like i'm constantly feeding him and i would KILL for a block of about five hours of sleep. deep, uninterrupted sleep. i know it's what is best for him, so i do it and i do it gladly, but i'd kill for some good sleep.

dave has been home with us since the day before elijah was born. he goes back to work tomorrow. he's not looking forward to leaving the boys. silas and him have become super tight over the past week and he's loving that new facet of their relationship and hating that he's leaving me alone and still recovering. he's looking forward to going back to work, but would love to stay with us a little bit longer. he's also adjusting to lots less sleep. since i've got elijah duty, he's taken over all silas's night time needs. which lately have been many. he's up several times a night, sometimes for long stretches. he's adjusting. i won't say he's adjusting well, but he is adjusting!

we are learning what it means to be a family of four. we are evolving into something that i like very much. not that i didn't like our family before, it's just well...we're adjusting and fitting everyone in and making special time for everyone. it's great. dave and i make sure to spend time with each son, individually, every day. then we get our time when they go to bed. we're adjusting.

sometimes i think we're adjusting quite well. other times i think i'm failing at this parenting thing. but we'll adjust. move forward. grow. learn. be. i'm working really hard on just being.

hormonal mama bear

when elijah came home from the hospital on friday, we had to make an appointment to come see the pediatrician on monday because his billirubin levels were a bit high. so we went to the doctor today. dave and i and both boys. it was an adventure getting out the door to say the least. i would wrangle silas while dave was feeding elijah. then i would hold elijah so i could feed him and pack the diaper bag while dave was dressing silas. then we lost boo (silas's lovey that he HAS to have at all times) and couldn't find my keys. i was surprised we made it on time to our appointment. then when we get there, silas decides it's time to pitch his first public fit and be a general handful the entire time. and let me tell you, the entire time was a LONG time.

we had to have lab work done on elijah to check for his billirubin levels. then we had our appointment and then had wait for the lab results. we were in the exam room for a total of an hour and half. sometimes dave would have to take silas out to the lobby to let him run around and play with the toys and sometimes he would bring him back in the exam room with elijah and i. finally, the pediatrician asked us if we had errands to run and if she could call us. we did have stuff to do before heading home, so we left. we went and ate lunch and were about to go grocery/baby shopping when we got the call. elijah's levels had risen from 12.5 to 18.3. that is a little too close to dangerous levels for mine and our doctor's comfort level and we decided to have elijah admitted to the hospital for observation and to put him under the billi lights.

my mama bear side roared to life as soon as she suggested admittance to the hospital. i immediately bucked against the thought that i hadn't done enough to get his levels to go down on their own. dave talked me down and reminded me that there wasn't much more that i could have done. then when we were admitted i was fighting for him not to have an iv. the nurses wanted to just do one, but i was convinced that he was eating well enough and was hydrated well enough to not need one. finally the nurse called the doctor and she agreed with me! so thankfully, he didn't have to deal with an iv. just the billi lights.

so now, here i sit in the hospital a hormonal wreck. i gave birth five days ago and i'm still pretty sore from my c-section. i can't hold and cuddle my baby but once every three hours for 30 minutes. i'm praying and crying and watching a marathon of pawn stars. i know jaundice isn't that big of a deal, but i can't help but be worried. the nurses think that his levels should go down pretty quickly and i'm praying that they do.

i'm glad we caught this early, but i just want to take my baby home. i miss silas. we were just getting settled into somewhat of a routine and silas was starting to show lots of interest in elijah. he was crawling into my lap and rubbing elijah's head and stroking his face. now i'm afraid that him staying with mom and dad again tonight (possibly tomorrow night) will just set us back. thankfully dave has this week off.

so anyway, if you're praying people, pray for elijah. pray for me. pray for my family.

 

 wrapped up in the billi light thingy

and just because he is beautiful!

 

Dear Boys,

right now, at 3:54 am, there is really only one boy but later this morning there will be two. elijah will join silas as the sons of sarah allen! that kind of sounds like a western. ask your daddy or papas about that though.

I don't actually have to be up for about an hour to get ready to go to the hospital, but i can't sleep. i'm wondering how silas is doing over at granny's house and i'm wondering how elijah is doing in my tummy. elijah, you're a couple hours from making your debut and i'm starting to wonder what you look like. what color is your hair? do you favor me or your daddy more?

my heart seems to be in two different places this morning. is that possible? my entire heart is with silas as he's getting ready to have his world turned upside down. here's the thing though! my entire heart is here with elijah right now as well. i'm praying that he will find his place in this family. not just as the little brother, but as elijah. it's a good thing a mama's love doesn't have to be divided and that it can be multiplied. i feel like i'm bursting with all this love!

i'm not going to lie, though. i'm a little worried about the pair of you. will you be great friends or life long opposites who can't get along? it is my prayer that you will each have your own personality, but that you will fit together like peas and carrots. that you will be separate, but best of friends. elijah, i am so glad that your brother is not going to be an only child. don't get me wrong, i like being an only child, but i feel...well, i'm just glad that silas will have you to lean on and that you can lean on him. when things get tough, and there will be tough times, you will have each other. don't forget that. you will have each other.

i need to start getting ready to go to the hospital, but i just want you both to know that i love you. silas, you made me a mama and you're my first. i love your crooked smile and mop of blonde curls. i love that you love to run and play and be rough housed. i love your adventure seeking spirit that is already coming out. i love you for who you are.

elijah, i haven't met you yet, but know that i already love you to the moon and back. you're my second boy. the one who multiplied the love in this house. the reason that i can't stop thinking about brothers and their bonds. bonds to each other. bonds to their daddy and especially bonds they have with their mamas. i can't wait to meet you!

love,
mama

to receive a package...and mama emotions

i have long had a love affair with real mail. there is something special about getting a handwritten note from a special friend. you get a little thrill at the sight of their handwriting amid the pile of junk mail and bills. my walk back from the mailbox is always a bit more peppy when i get a real letter!

so how in the world do you think i feel when my mailman actually knocks on my door and hands me a package that i didn't order, or wasn't expecting? it's like the heavens open up and the most beautiful version of the Hallelujah Chorus trumpets from the clouds. i'm serious here people. i LOVE getting a package from a friend.

so today my mailman hands me this:

 

 

addresses removed for safety reasons! :o)

my heart started pounding fast when i remembered that my friend ruthie had recently sent me a message asking me for my address. thankfully silas was sleeping and i was able to enjoy this moment for myself! i ripped the paper off and this what i saw:

purple box, blue tissue paper, and a note! i seriously was quivering with excitement!

i open the note first and it was so sweet and made my excitement grow even more! it promised a gift to keep my new baby warm...

i pulled the tissue paper back and pulled out a work of art!

seriously! art!

 
when i saw it, i was overcome. literally. my mama emotions (read that hormones) kicked into high gear and the tears just flowed. ruthie and kendra had made a similar blanket for silas, and i used that as his coming home from the hospital blanket. it still gets tons of snuggles and is one of my favorite gifts i received for silas. i had just made the decision last night to use that same blanket to bring elijah home with and washed it and dried it. as i pulled it out of the dryer i was a bit sad that silas was going to be sharing this blanket and i thought maybe i should use a different one for elijah. but i LOVE this blanket so much and wanted him to use it, so i folded it and put it with our hospital stuff.

the blanket ruthie and kendra made for silas

so anyway, i seriously opened this package and cried. elijah grey had is very own special blanket and silas doesn't have to share his. getting this blanket today made me really, really excited to have this baby. not just be done being pregnant, but to have this baby and hold him and snuggle him and rub great smelling pink baby lotion on him.

so ruthie, THANK YOU! you are a very special friend and i am so glad that you are in my life! thanks for my brother blankets!

the first brother blanket on top and the second brother blanket on the bottom! 

they make a great pair!

if i were a perfect mother...

-i would have already sterilized the new baby's bottles.

-i would have broken my son's current habit of having to be held to go to sleep.

-i would have already sorted through all the little tiny boy clothes so that new baby's stuff was all ready to go.

-i would have stocked up on gas drops. because if this baby is anything like silas, then heaven help us! i'm going to need those drops.

-i would have kept up with silas's baby book. i'm so not a scrapbooker.

-i would have my house cleaned top to bottom and my hospital bag sitting next to the door. just in case i go earlier than expected.

-i would put off homework in favor of an extra snuggle before bedtime.

-i would get in the floor and play with legos regardless of the fact that i feel like a baby is getting ready to fall out of me.

-i would have given my child a bath tonight instead of a wipe down and a lotion up.

-i wouldn't have gotten angry when my child threw his food all over the floor.

-i wouldn't have cared that my laptop got knocked off the desk and onto the floor.

-i wouldn't have put in a second veggietales video just so i could finish my paper on sibling relationships and birth order.


it's a good thing perfection doesn't exsist. here's to hoping that it's okay to just be a good mother!

can i be honest with ya'll?

no seriously? can i? because i'm about to be honest. really honest. like should-she-really-post-this-on-the-internet honest here.

i'm having a baby in 16 days. SIXTEEN DAYS! another baby. i already have one baby! well, he's not really a baby so much any more. he's more of toddler. what's in the middle of toddler and baby? would that be a twoddler? what in the world was God thinking when he decided it was time to bless us with another baby? i thought i was nervous when my due date was approaching with silas. this is terror. sheer terror.

i'm serious. i'm terrified right now. i have no idea how to handle two children under the age of two. don't even think about saying something like 'well, you didn't know how to handle a newborn until you had silas' to me either. i might punch you in the face. you know i'm in a tizzy when i threaten bodily harm. i'm a passivist for pete's sake!

i'm afraid of how silas will react. he's been the center of my attention for 15 months. his whole life and now, all of a sudden, he's going to have to share. i'm trying hard to get him to sit beside me instead of on my lap. we're teaching 'gentle touch' instead of hitting (ask me how that's working out!). we talk about having a baby. i'm trying my best to prepare a 15 month old for a new brother, and i have no idea if he gets it or not. are we going to damage his little psyche by throwing this all on him? you must think i'm crazy.

all joking aside. i really am terrified. i'm nervous about having another c-section. i'm afraid i won't remember elijah's birth like how i don't remember silas being born. i'm afraid that i won't be able to give silas the affection that he needs simply because i can't pick him up and cuddle like we normally do. i'm afraid that this baby will always feel second.

does that make sense? that elijah will always feel second? i don't want that. i'm afraid that because he's the second born that he won't feel as important. i know that it's up to me and dave to make sure that doesn't happen, but what about everyone else? do people look at the second child differently than the first? i want him to be his own person. i want people to know his name is elijah, not silas's little brother. i want him to be able to feel just as important.

oh, i'm just rambling now.

sixteen days until my life changes drastically. again. i couldn't be more elated and terrified!