christmas was amazing! we spread out the opening of presents all day so dutch wouldn't lose interest with the ripping of paper and not want to open presents. in between presents we ate, cooked, took naps, watched veggietales, cuddled, played with new toys, read books, and took lots of pictures. my living room still resembles a disaster site, and i don't even want to think about the kitchen.
does this mean that i'm officially a grown up now? with my living room scattered with bits of wrapping paper and new toys and my kitchen counters still covered in flour and powdered sugar. not caring one bit about the mess. taking the time to push the new buttons on toys and cuddle with a book and stuffed animal while my little drifts in and out of sleep.
The Poet and i made our own traditions. we lounged in pjs and ate peanut butter coffee cake. we napped as a family and it's the first time that i really feel like this was 'our' christmas. before Dutch we had our little things that we did, but this year it was different. we're a little family and we decide what we do, who we share our day with, what movies we watch. we make christmas. we make it special and our traditions will last.
maybe it's the fact that i'm now the one who makes traditions that makes me feel grown up. when dutch is married and having his first christmas with his little family, our traditions are the ones that will help shape the ones he makes. just like traditions that The Poet and i have with our family color the traditions we started this year. maybe it's that i have this little boy, so full of smiles and giggles, that i'm responsible for that makes me feel grown.
whatever it is, i think i kind of like it. for years, i have never felt grown up. i'm 28 years old and just now starting to feel like an adult in most everything i do. i like where i am. who i am. i love the man i married and life i helped create.
life is good.
i hope your new year is full of living and loving!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
dishes
there is a certain time of day when i can’t do the dishes. it’s not because i am lazy or am procrastinating. the only thing that keeps me from the sink is the blinding sun. it starts its sinking right over my house and by five o’clock it is staring me right in the face as i plunge my hands into the hot, soapy water. i’ve tried pulling the shade down low, but that makes for boring work. i prefer to watch the occasional car make its way down the curvy hill and the limbs of the trees shake with the breeze. it would be a shame to cover up the window with a curtain.
so, i linger over dinner with The Poet. i drink an extra cup of coffee. i bang toys on the high chair tray with Dutch. i hold Dutch in the crook of my arm and turn page after page of my current book. until the sun starts dipping below the dark trees and starts scattering peach and lavender light across the sky. i don my apron and then i can turn on the hot water and squirt lime ajax into the steaming stream.
sometimes, after i wipe down my counters and The Poet is drying and putting away the dishes, i’ll wipe my hands on my apron and survey the kitchen. i feel like i’ve stepped back in time and i fancy myself a 1950’s housewife (except there is no way the The Poet would be helping with the dishes in the 50’s). i take pride in the cleanliness of my floors and counters. i swear, when i put on that apron i...i don’t know.
i wonder how long this will last. how long can i be content without connection to the world? i connect to the internet a couple times a week when i visit my parents. i check my voice mail while i’m hear as well. how long will i be able to put on that apron and feel transported and enjoy doing the dishes. i feel like a character out of book.
i know that it won’t last. i know that eventually i’ll just look at my dishes and REALLY not want to do them. i know that eventually i’ll look at my floors and not want to sweep them. but for now, i’ll keep pretending that i’m a character out of a Silas House novel and i’ll take pride in my squeaky clean dishes and floors.
so, i linger over dinner with The Poet. i drink an extra cup of coffee. i bang toys on the high chair tray with Dutch. i hold Dutch in the crook of my arm and turn page after page of my current book. until the sun starts dipping below the dark trees and starts scattering peach and lavender light across the sky. i don my apron and then i can turn on the hot water and squirt lime ajax into the steaming stream.
sometimes, after i wipe down my counters and The Poet is drying and putting away the dishes, i’ll wipe my hands on my apron and survey the kitchen. i feel like i’ve stepped back in time and i fancy myself a 1950’s housewife (except there is no way the The Poet would be helping with the dishes in the 50’s). i take pride in the cleanliness of my floors and counters. i swear, when i put on that apron i...i don’t know.
i wonder how long this will last. how long can i be content without connection to the world? i connect to the internet a couple times a week when i visit my parents. i check my voice mail while i’m hear as well. how long will i be able to put on that apron and feel transported and enjoy doing the dishes. i feel like a character out of book.
i know that it won’t last. i know that eventually i’ll just look at my dishes and REALLY not want to do them. i know that eventually i’ll look at my floors and not want to sweep them. but for now, i’ll keep pretending that i’m a character out of a Silas House novel and i’ll take pride in my squeaky clean dishes and floors.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
happy sunday!
we are getting ready to leave out little vacation nook, but i thought i'd wish you all a happy sunday! so...
happy sunday!
from the poet, dutch, and me
from the poet, dutch, and me
Friday, October 15, 2010
learning
there are many things that i have discovered while being completely disconnected from the world (i have no television or internet at our new place). i’m learning that devoting almost every waking moment to my son is as rewarding as anything that i have done in my life. i’m learning that i feel a great sense of accomplishment by doing seven loads of laundry and only running the dryer twice. thus making my laundry smell amazing and saving money because i didn’t run the dryer that much.
i’m learning to live slower. to take my time over dinner and to have conversations with my husband while we do the supper dishes. i’m learning what it means to actually be still.
i’m relearning what it sounds like to go to bed without hearing sirens and being able to see even the tiniest stars because it’s so dark that they even show up.
i guess i’m just learning to be a mom, a wife, and me. i’m learning to enjoy life to the fullest.
i’m learning that wearing a baby keeps us all happy and i can get soooo much more accomplished. i’m also learning what cries mean what. there is a certain hungry cry, a change me cry, a hold me please cry, and a i’m so sleepy cry. i often wonder how i’m learning all these things so much easier now. is it because i am closeted away from civilization and don’t have eight million distractions, or if it’s just my motherly instinct kicking in.
i’m learning to live slower. to take my time over dinner and to have conversations with my husband while we do the supper dishes. i’m learning what it means to actually be still.
i’m relearning what it sounds like to go to bed without hearing sirens and being able to see even the tiniest stars because it’s so dark that they even show up.
i guess i’m just learning to be a mom, a wife, and me. i’m learning to enjoy life to the fullest.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
moving
we're moving. we're all boxed up, made a gazillion trips from big town, ky to little town, ky. we've got one more trip to make. i'm excited to basically be out of big town. we've been living out of a bag the past couple of days as we are in between places. can't wait until it's all done!
we were planning on renting a place in little town for a few months while a place right beside my parents was being remodeled. WELLLLLL, at the last possible second The Poet and I decided to rent a medium-ish farm house with a SPECTACULAR yard, a place for a garden, horses next door, a porch swing, and a large kitchen. it's in the middle of no-where, very peaceful, and i'm a happy momma!
that's all for now!
Friday, September 17, 2010
fifty things i am grateful for
*after i read all these, i realized anytime that i was referring to silas, i said you. just fyi!
1. i will never forget cuddling with you and your daddy in our big bed while it rained. you snuggled your head into the crook of your daddy’s neck and i laid my sleepy head on his chest. that was a spectacular morning.
2. finding the perfect coffee mug in a thrift store and turning it into MY mug.
3. the way your eyes get heavy when i’m singing “time in a bottle” to you. you cozy against my chest and stare right through to my heart until those eyelids finally drop.
4. cheese and bread: the perfect breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack
5. a blank page in my journal and a felt tipped pen. many a secret gets written into those pages. i’m glad that no one is tempted to read it.
6. reading the words of ky author, silas house. his words drip like honey: slow, smooth, and sweet.
7. my guitar sounds sweeter when there is a little one near by to listen to me play.
8. my ‘stoltzfus’ voice that carries farther than it probably should. i’ll teach my son to sing from the belly!
9. it is burned in to my memory the way dave’s arm feels when it is wrapped around me in our messy bed. the way his warm breath feels against my neck.
10. i pray that perfect coffee and misty mornings are in Heaven.
11. i love going in circles as i talk to my dad about this and that and life.
12. my aunt rosie’s whoopie pies. i hope those are in Heaven as well.
13. laying my head close to your little rosebud mouth just to hear your breath.
14. the the first time i touched you. rubbed my finger against your tiny face. Heaven.
15. oscillating fans. enough said.
16. sitting on a porch swing while a thunderstorm comes my way.
17. the cold tickle of an ice cold pop when it’s a million degrees outside.
18. eating my second breakfast with my little curled up beside me after he has eaten his second breakfast.
19. apple computers. they make my world go ‘round.
20. cuddling with my little family on clean sheets after a hot shower.
21. i look forward to the times when your little eyes finally close and i just have to ‘keep an ear on you.’ my attention then turns to your daddy, and his to me.
22. discovering that i actually like my coffee without all the sweet stuff. i even like it black! it’s amazing when you don’t drink the stuff for nine months how good it tastes when you finally do drink it.
23. reading the first chapter of a book while standing in the shop.
24. perusing the children’s section of the book shop with an actual child to buy for.
25. crooked smiles
26. even though i thought i would hate being home all the time, i’m loving this new stay at home momma life.
27. kettle corn
28. tripping on a pile of books because i don’t have any more room on the bookcases.
29. moving back to the hills. who would have ever thought i would be grateful for that?
30. remembering how my dad switched from daddy to preacher, in a snap, at my wedding.
31. sleeping at my mom’s house...if i’m sleeping there, that means she’s probably going to cook for me!
32. front loading washing machines
33. the ability to create
34. modern medicine. without it, my little would not be here.
35. being woke up by a squiggly baby and sharing a lovely view of the bluest sky ever.
36. making it work when it seems like it’s impossible.
37. friends who drop everything to listen to me gush about about my little’s first smile.
38. the color black, whether it is truly slimming or it’s just all in my head.
39. there is no way that i could forget the ‘dances’ that dave and i do in the kitchen. in our current situation, it takes three to tango...or at least make biscuits and gravy.
40. burt’s bees chapstick. i like my smooth lips. dave likes them more.
41. my upbringing. i guess it would be easier to say my parents, but that doesn’t really cover it all.
42. mylicon drops. praise God for mylicon drops! without them, my little has terrible gas pains. this translates to super fussy-britches and not being able to sleep...any of us.
43. music. it’s what i do. it’s who i am. i experience God and all things beautiful with music.
44. head bands keep my hair out of the reaching fingers of a very curious little.
45. old quilts that need to be repaired. they have character, life, and a very precious story.
46. five iron frenzy (a ska band) keeps my little calm during car rides. not sure why or how, but they do. i’ll take that over ‘twinkle twinkle’ any day.
47. the way you place your hands behind your head, just like a grown up, when you’re taking a nap.
48. two cats that get my furniture super, duper hairy!
49. feeling the wind whip my hair around my face and hearing the leaves sound a little dry in preparation for their changing.
50. chewy rolaids. do i need to say anything else?
1. i will never forget cuddling with you and your daddy in our big bed while it rained. you snuggled your head into the crook of your daddy’s neck and i laid my sleepy head on his chest. that was a spectacular morning.
2. finding the perfect coffee mug in a thrift store and turning it into MY mug.
3. the way your eyes get heavy when i’m singing “time in a bottle” to you. you cozy against my chest and stare right through to my heart until those eyelids finally drop.
4. cheese and bread: the perfect breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack
5. a blank page in my journal and a felt tipped pen. many a secret gets written into those pages. i’m glad that no one is tempted to read it.
6. reading the words of ky author, silas house. his words drip like honey: slow, smooth, and sweet.
7. my guitar sounds sweeter when there is a little one near by to listen to me play.
8. my ‘stoltzfus’ voice that carries farther than it probably should. i’ll teach my son to sing from the belly!
9. it is burned in to my memory the way dave’s arm feels when it is wrapped around me in our messy bed. the way his warm breath feels against my neck.
10. i pray that perfect coffee and misty mornings are in Heaven.
11. i love going in circles as i talk to my dad about this and that and life.
12. my aunt rosie’s whoopie pies. i hope those are in Heaven as well.
13. laying my head close to your little rosebud mouth just to hear your breath.
14. the the first time i touched you. rubbed my finger against your tiny face. Heaven.
15. oscillating fans. enough said.
16. sitting on a porch swing while a thunderstorm comes my way.
17. the cold tickle of an ice cold pop when it’s a million degrees outside.
18. eating my second breakfast with my little curled up beside me after he has eaten his second breakfast.
19. apple computers. they make my world go ‘round.
20. cuddling with my little family on clean sheets after a hot shower.
21. i look forward to the times when your little eyes finally close and i just have to ‘keep an ear on you.’ my attention then turns to your daddy, and his to me.
22. discovering that i actually like my coffee without all the sweet stuff. i even like it black! it’s amazing when you don’t drink the stuff for nine months how good it tastes when you finally do drink it.
23. reading the first chapter of a book while standing in the shop.
24. perusing the children’s section of the book shop with an actual child to buy for.
25. crooked smiles
26. even though i thought i would hate being home all the time, i’m loving this new stay at home momma life.
27. kettle corn
28. tripping on a pile of books because i don’t have any more room on the bookcases.
29. moving back to the hills. who would have ever thought i would be grateful for that?
30. remembering how my dad switched from daddy to preacher, in a snap, at my wedding.
31. sleeping at my mom’s house...if i’m sleeping there, that means she’s probably going to cook for me!
32. front loading washing machines
33. the ability to create
34. modern medicine. without it, my little would not be here.
35. being woke up by a squiggly baby and sharing a lovely view of the bluest sky ever.
36. making it work when it seems like it’s impossible.
37. friends who drop everything to listen to me gush about about my little’s first smile.
38. the color black, whether it is truly slimming or it’s just all in my head.
39. there is no way that i could forget the ‘dances’ that dave and i do in the kitchen. in our current situation, it takes three to tango...or at least make biscuits and gravy.
40. burt’s bees chapstick. i like my smooth lips. dave likes them more.
41. my upbringing. i guess it would be easier to say my parents, but that doesn’t really cover it all.
42. mylicon drops. praise God for mylicon drops! without them, my little has terrible gas pains. this translates to super fussy-britches and not being able to sleep...any of us.
43. music. it’s what i do. it’s who i am. i experience God and all things beautiful with music.
44. head bands keep my hair out of the reaching fingers of a very curious little.
45. old quilts that need to be repaired. they have character, life, and a very precious story.
46. five iron frenzy (a ska band) keeps my little calm during car rides. not sure why or how, but they do. i’ll take that over ‘twinkle twinkle’ any day.
47. the way you place your hands behind your head, just like a grown up, when you’re taking a nap.
48. two cats that get my furniture super, duper hairy!
49. feeling the wind whip my hair around my face and hearing the leaves sound a little dry in preparation for their changing.
50. chewy rolaids. do i need to say anything else?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
with the risk of sounding like a broken record...
i'm going to do another post about being a mom. hey, don't hate! i'm new to this new thing called being a momma and it kind of takes up a lot of my thinking time.
i'm not going to lie. i never thought i would be a stay at home momma. i always thought i would be the working mom. the mom who worked 7:30 am - 3:00 pm (being a teacher), came home, snuggled a baby, kissed a husband, baked cookies, washed two loads of laundry, played with a baby while all that is happening and then snuggle with The Poet in bed while we talked about our day.
well, that's not quite how it worked out. actually that picture that is painted in the previous paragraph isn't even close to what our day is like right now. here's a glimpse into the day of sarah, The Poet, and Dutch:
6:00 am - Dutch cries, momma feeds him
6:20 ish - momma changes a very wet, full diaper
6:30 ish - dutch and momma go downstairs for some momma appropriate breakfast. dutch gets put in the mei tai carrier and momma eats some cereal and roams around the internet.
7:00 ish - play time on the activity mat which sometimes includes reading books and rolling from our tummies to our backs
7:30 ish - family snuggle time in the bed which usually always ends up in all three of us taking a nap
10:00 ish - we have second breakfast (with a nod to pippin!) a change of diaper, and dutch gets put in the mei tai again.
from here on out it's eat every 3-4 hours, do laundry, wash bottles, make silly faces, box the elephant, pass the baby back and forth (because whoever is holding him when he starts grunting has to change the poopy mess!), and packing up boxes for our move.
8:00 pm ish - start the bedtime routine. it's either a bath in the infant tub from The Poet or in the shower with mommy, book, bottle, swaddle, bottom patted (Dutch's not mine) until eyes get heavy, then he's down for the count!
9:00 pm ish - let the husband wife time commence!
exciting huh?
anyway, a list...just because i still have words running around in my head and i'm not sleepy! WHY AM I NOT SLEEPY!
-people really should mind their own business. if i choose to wear my baby in a carrier, it is my choice. i'm not putting my son in danger, so back off lady!
-i never knew baby drool would be so cute. (get back to me on that in a few days when the newness wears off and i've changed about one billion outfits due to them all being soaked from the waist up)
-babies somehow make everything better
-i still hate doing laundry. even if it is full of cute little clothes and perfect little socks. still don't like folding it!
-i am a fan of pen to paper writing. something about it soothes me. i've started a 'Dear Silas' journal where i'm writing letters and memories and pasting pictures and his first band aids. i'm weird.
-i'm done. going to force my eyes closed!
i'm not going to lie. i never thought i would be a stay at home momma. i always thought i would be the working mom. the mom who worked 7:30 am - 3:00 pm (being a teacher), came home, snuggled a baby, kissed a husband, baked cookies, washed two loads of laundry, played with a baby while all that is happening and then snuggle with The Poet in bed while we talked about our day.
well, that's not quite how it worked out. actually that picture that is painted in the previous paragraph isn't even close to what our day is like right now. here's a glimpse into the day of sarah, The Poet, and Dutch:
6:00 am - Dutch cries, momma feeds him
6:20 ish - momma changes a very wet, full diaper
6:30 ish - dutch and momma go downstairs for some momma appropriate breakfast. dutch gets put in the mei tai carrier and momma eats some cereal and roams around the internet.
7:00 ish - play time on the activity mat which sometimes includes reading books and rolling from our tummies to our backs
7:30 ish - family snuggle time in the bed which usually always ends up in all three of us taking a nap
10:00 ish - we have second breakfast (with a nod to pippin!) a change of diaper, and dutch gets put in the mei tai again.
from here on out it's eat every 3-4 hours, do laundry, wash bottles, make silly faces, box the elephant, pass the baby back and forth (because whoever is holding him when he starts grunting has to change the poopy mess!), and packing up boxes for our move.
8:00 pm ish - start the bedtime routine. it's either a bath in the infant tub from The Poet or in the shower with mommy, book, bottle, swaddle, bottom patted (Dutch's not mine) until eyes get heavy, then he's down for the count!
9:00 pm ish - let the husband wife time commence!
exciting huh?
anyway, a list...just because i still have words running around in my head and i'm not sleepy! WHY AM I NOT SLEEPY!
-people really should mind their own business. if i choose to wear my baby in a carrier, it is my choice. i'm not putting my son in danger, so back off lady!
-i never knew baby drool would be so cute. (get back to me on that in a few days when the newness wears off and i've changed about one billion outfits due to them all being soaked from the waist up)
-babies somehow make everything better
-i still hate doing laundry. even if it is full of cute little clothes and perfect little socks. still don't like folding it!
-i am a fan of pen to paper writing. something about it soothes me. i've started a 'Dear Silas' journal where i'm writing letters and memories and pasting pictures and his first band aids. i'm weird.
-i'm done. going to force my eyes closed!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
becoming un-anonymous
there is a fresh pot of coffee that i just poured a perfect cup from, i have a squiggly baby in my lap and my husband is off doing something...hopefully packing. so far today is a spectacular day!
i started this blog so that i could be anonymous. i wanted to write what i wanted, when i wanted, and didn't want anyone from my real life to know about it. then i realized that i wasn't writing anything that i wanted to hide and if i needed write something extremely personal, i went to old faithful: my real journal. you know, the kind you write in with a pen! i also made the mistake of following a few family members' blogs with this account. but like i said before. no big deal.
i still update my other blog, but i find that i like this one better. so here i am. let me re-introduce myself.
i'm sarah, wife to dave, and momma silas. i am a champion one handed typist and love a good cup of coffee. welcome to my blog. hope you stick around for the long haul!
i started this blog so that i could be anonymous. i wanted to write what i wanted, when i wanted, and didn't want anyone from my real life to know about it. then i realized that i wasn't writing anything that i wanted to hide and if i needed write something extremely personal, i went to old faithful: my real journal. you know, the kind you write in with a pen! i also made the mistake of following a few family members' blogs with this account. but like i said before. no big deal.
i still update my other blog, but i find that i like this one better. so here i am. let me re-introduce myself.
i'm sarah, wife to dave, and momma silas. i am a champion one handed typist and love a good cup of coffee. welcome to my blog. hope you stick around for the long haul!
Friday, September 10, 2010
thursday in the park
today was our first trip to the park. the heat finally settled down and i gathered up all our gear and headed out.
one of the luxuries of being a stay at home mom is getting to go to the park when the light makes my little look like an angel. it bounces off his reddish blond hair and tickles his perfect little toes.
we went for a ride on the swings and his face lit up with a smile the size of california! it was amazing! we lay on blankets in the cool shade of a perfect tree, read books, babbled back and forth, had a picnic (well, he had a bottle) and played the tongue game. he sticks his out, i stick mine out!
i love being The Bean's momma. it gives me purpose. not that i didn't have purpose before, but being unemployed sometimes leaves me feeling...well, purposeless. but then i just look at him! he's the reason i keep doing what we're doing. becoming who we are becoming. together. growing our little family into....our own version of happiness. a happiness that doesn't always come easy. but you know what, we CHOOSE to be happy. it is a choice and we make it daily.
and you know what? i like where i'm going. i like who i am. and by golly, i like this journey we are on!
one of the luxuries of being a stay at home mom is getting to go to the park when the light makes my little look like an angel. it bounces off his reddish blond hair and tickles his perfect little toes.
we went for a ride on the swings and his face lit up with a smile the size of california! it was amazing! we lay on blankets in the cool shade of a perfect tree, read books, babbled back and forth, had a picnic (well, he had a bottle) and played the tongue game. he sticks his out, i stick mine out!
i love being The Bean's momma. it gives me purpose. not that i didn't have purpose before, but being unemployed sometimes leaves me feeling...well, purposeless. but then i just look at him! he's the reason i keep doing what we're doing. becoming who we are becoming. together. growing our little family into....our own version of happiness. a happiness that doesn't always come easy. but you know what, we CHOOSE to be happy. it is a choice and we make it daily.
it has been a long journey, getting to this place. and really what is this place but a stop in the long journey towards who we are becoming? this journey that is full of paths that i am proud of and full of dark alleyways that i'm not so proud of. who would i be without those alleys? certainly not this woman. this wife. this momma.
and you know what? i like where i'm going. i like who i am. and by golly, i like this journey we are on!
love,
happy to be sarah!
happy to be sarah!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
craziness!
we're moving. i'm admitting it, accepting it, and being WAY excited about it. we're buying a house. don't ask me how, because i have no clue other than to tell you it is a God thing. yes, i'm unemployed. yes, dave is as well. yes, all i have is unemployment for income. BUT i'm convinced that God would not have let things just fall in to place if it wasn't His plan.
you may recall me talking about moving back to small town, ky awhile back. that is what we are doing. we are going to be living right next door to my parents, which at first i WAS NOT thrilled about, but after looking at the pros and cons, really thinking about it, and praying HARD we're cool. we're excited. OH MY GOODNESS, I'M BUYING A HOUSE!
not going to lie. it's a fixer upper. there is lots of work to be done before we can even move in. carpet has to be ripped out, the entire house needs to be painted. (random side note: what is it with people decorating their bathrooms with ocean/seashell themes. i do not like this.) The Poet and i are going to be doing a bulk of the work. my dad is going to be doing some as well. i really think that putting all this work into the whole project will really make me appreciate it more. my 'sweat equity' made this house look amazing. i can be proud of that!
anyway, just a crazy update.
you may recall me talking about moving back to small town, ky awhile back. that is what we are doing. we are going to be living right next door to my parents, which at first i WAS NOT thrilled about, but after looking at the pros and cons, really thinking about it, and praying HARD we're cool. we're excited. OH MY GOODNESS, I'M BUYING A HOUSE!
not going to lie. it's a fixer upper. there is lots of work to be done before we can even move in. carpet has to be ripped out, the entire house needs to be painted. (random side note: what is it with people decorating their bathrooms with ocean/seashell themes. i do not like this.) The Poet and i are going to be doing a bulk of the work. my dad is going to be doing some as well. i really think that putting all this work into the whole project will really make me appreciate it more. my 'sweat equity' made this house look amazing. i can be proud of that!
anyway, just a crazy update.
Friday, August 27, 2010
the world is right
i'm sitting in my comfy bed with a napping Bean in my lap and a snoring Poet beside me. i've done three loads of laundry and worked my way through half a pot of coffee. the good coffee. not just the regular coffee. the amazingly dry roasted hazelnut flavored black gold that i bought from my favorite coffee shop here in big town, ky. i save that coffee for special days.
what is so special about today? well...i'm not sure. maybe it's the fact that i'm finally settling in to my new role as a stay at home mom and wife. maybe it's the prospect of getting out of the house for the weekend and hanging with the parents in small town, ky. or maybe it's just that this little blonde haired (or maybe it's red), blue eyed wonder of a son just fits so perfectly into the crook of my neck. whatever it is, i'm grateful for the perfectly awesome flavor and boost of caffeine.
it could be that it just feels like fall today and that is enough to make any day at the end of summer special. this morning as i was taking some bills to the mailbox it was chilly. i almost went back in and got a sweater just so that the feeling of fall was complete. i stepped outside just now with a sleeping Bean nestled against me and i swear i could smell fall. the sky is that perfect shade of blue that looks amazing with the leaves against it and it wasn't too hot. i would have been perfectly comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. oh, and i saw my first brownish leaf drift lazily on the wind.
it is a special day.
what is so special about today? well...i'm not sure. maybe it's the fact that i'm finally settling in to my new role as a stay at home mom and wife. maybe it's the prospect of getting out of the house for the weekend and hanging with the parents in small town, ky. or maybe it's just that this little blonde haired (or maybe it's red), blue eyed wonder of a son just fits so perfectly into the crook of my neck. whatever it is, i'm grateful for the perfectly awesome flavor and boost of caffeine.
it could be that it just feels like fall today and that is enough to make any day at the end of summer special. this morning as i was taking some bills to the mailbox it was chilly. i almost went back in and got a sweater just so that the feeling of fall was complete. i stepped outside just now with a sleeping Bean nestled against me and i swear i could smell fall. the sky is that perfect shade of blue that looks amazing with the leaves against it and it wasn't too hot. i would have been perfectly comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. oh, and i saw my first brownish leaf drift lazily on the wind.
it is a special day.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
we're moving. there i said it. we can't afford to stay where we are right now, so we're moving to little town, ky away from big town, ky. it won't be so bad. my parents will be close, and The Poet's parent's will be closer than they are now.
i've decided to look at all of this crazy not having a job thing as a blessing. i get to stay home with The Bean and i'm starting my masters in january. i'm excited about that. the entire masters program is online, except the exit exams. so i'll be home with The Bean during all that too. i never in my wildest dreams thought that i would be a stay at home mom. but here i am. i admit i get a little cabin fever on occasion, but it's nothing that a quick trip to the grocery store or afternoon matinee won't fix.
i don't have any more words, so i'll just post a pic of The Poet and the Bean!
love,
sarah
i've decided to look at all of this crazy not having a job thing as a blessing. i get to stay home with The Bean and i'm starting my masters in january. i'm excited about that. the entire masters program is online, except the exit exams. so i'll be home with The Bean during all that too. i never in my wildest dreams thought that i would be a stay at home mom. but here i am. i admit i get a little cabin fever on occasion, but it's nothing that a quick trip to the grocery store or afternoon matinee won't fix.
i don't have any more words, so i'll just post a pic of The Poet and the Bean!
love,
sarah
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
come home
today the hills are calling me home. they are calling me into their green arms like nothing has ever called me before. they send whispers on the winds from the east and i hear them as my hair gets whirled up around my face. the pink clouds at sunset sing and beg me to answer. the very ground itself, here in this city, seems to somehow be connected to my home and is sending me a message.
“bring your son to us,” they say. “he will be a child of the hills and trees. a play outside until dark little boy that scrapes his knees and stains his pants with green grass in his yard and not a park as you watch from the porch. a sit on the hot driveway eating dripping popsicles in the summer little boy. an adventurous sled down the big hill child in the deep winter.” it is hard to resist such a request. it is hard to remember my thoughts of not wanting to go back when that beautiful picture is painted. when a blonde hair, blue eyed vision swims before my eyes it is hard to remember why i moved to this place.
this place that is so different from home.
this place that holds precious memories for me.
this place that taught me to be independent and taught me who i am.
this place that i’ve struggled and thrived in.
this place that i began calling home when i first moved here.
this place that has lost it’s luster for me.
“bring your tired self to us,” they say. “you will remember being a child of the hills and a play outside until dark little girl. you will sit on a porch and drink coffee in the foggy morning dew. you will lay in bed beside your husband in the utter silence because there aren’t sirens blaring at 2:30 am. you will stare into the pitch black sky and see it sprinkled with stars, because here it gets dark enough to see the stars.”
it is hard to resist such a calling. i’m not sure if i can resist such a calling.
“bring your son to us,” they say. “he will be a child of the hills and trees. a play outside until dark little boy that scrapes his knees and stains his pants with green grass in his yard and not a park as you watch from the porch. a sit on the hot driveway eating dripping popsicles in the summer little boy. an adventurous sled down the big hill child in the deep winter.” it is hard to resist such a request. it is hard to remember my thoughts of not wanting to go back when that beautiful picture is painted. when a blonde hair, blue eyed vision swims before my eyes it is hard to remember why i moved to this place.
this place that is so different from home.
this place that holds precious memories for me.
this place that taught me to be independent and taught me who i am.
this place that i’ve struggled and thrived in.
this place that i began calling home when i first moved here.
this place that has lost it’s luster for me.
“bring your tired self to us,” they say. “you will remember being a child of the hills and a play outside until dark little girl. you will sit on a porch and drink coffee in the foggy morning dew. you will lay in bed beside your husband in the utter silence because there aren’t sirens blaring at 2:30 am. you will stare into the pitch black sky and see it sprinkled with stars, because here it gets dark enough to see the stars.”
it is hard to resist such a calling. i’m not sure if i can resist such a calling.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
new mommy stuff
the bean is doing soooo well. even though we had to quit breastfeeding (due to a myriad of issues) he is gaining weight, eating, and pooping like a champ. oh the pooping! sometimes i wonder if it will ever end...
i am still unemployed and it's amazing the amount of pride i have had to swallow in the last month to make sure the bean is taken care of. the poet had already left work, several months ago, with the prospect of being a stay at home dad, so that leaves two of us being unemployed. but only one of us (me) qualifies for unemployment. so now we are reassessing the situation. what do we do? where do we go from here?
the prospect of moving and having to break the lease here is daunting, but it looks like it will probably be necessary. i like our little house, but...well...
so here's to admitting defeat. admitting that maybe i'm not in the place that i'm supposed to be in. admitting that i can't do this on my own. admitting that maybe i may have to go back home. to small town, ky and live very close to my parents. even though i love them with my whole heart, i'm not sure i want to be that close again.
anyway, i'm just letting these words out into the void. clearing some space inside my head. do not think that my life is horrible right now. in some aspects i've never been happier. i've got the bean, the poet, and the two cats. i've got a roof over my head, food in my belly, and i can steal internet from my neighbors. things aren't as bad as they seem...maybe...
i don't know what the future holds, but i do know who holds the future!
Friday, July 9, 2010
stream of consciousness (thoughts on the past week)
the last week has been somewhat of a blur. suddenly i've become a mom and The Poet has become a dad. i've learned to change a dirty diaper while singing a lullaby. i can get REM sleep, but still wake up at the most quiet baby noise. The Bean has taken over our lives, our house, our beings, and we couldn't be happier.
i'm not sure how this post is going to go or how it will be organized or even if it will make sense to anyone but me, but right now i just need to get things out. out of my head, heart, and out into the void. i hope that doesn't sound bad. because it's not bad. i just need to let some things loose. free. that's what this little space is for in the first place.
my time at the hospital was pretty standard, i think. i went in for an induction on july 1 at 6:00 am and ended up having a c-section around 11:30 pm. The Bean was born at 11:49 pm with lungs that rivaled a great operatic tenor...or something like that. because of the c-section drugs there are some parts that i do not remember, which is a little sad for me. my mom said that i sang to him. i don't remember that. nor do i really remember the first time we breastfed. that kind of bums me out, but that's the way it is though. i have a healthy baby. that's all that matters.
the first day home was very painful. thank God The Poet and my mom were here. i wouldn't have managed without them. i refuse to baby myself though. i make myself get up and do. i've done a couple loads of laundry this week as well as a little outing with my mom. i'm still a little sore, but i'm doing okay. i plan to drive soon.
there are good days and bad days. days when i feel like a breastfeeding phenomenon and other days when i feel like i'm horrible at it. there are days when the weight of my new title, and responsibility, of mom lay on me like a ton of bricks. i think of what i need to do. what i have to do. what i can't do anymore. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade this for the world, but sometimes i just feel...overwhelmed.
The Bean is curled up beside me sleeping a beautiful sleep and with his little baby noises, the worry is somehow melted and siphoned off. i know that i'm in for a crazy adventure and i'm looking at it from the prow of this big ship. the wind in my face. unknowns on the horizon.
and i couldn't think of a better life right now!
i'm not sure how this post is going to go or how it will be organized or even if it will make sense to anyone but me, but right now i just need to get things out. out of my head, heart, and out into the void. i hope that doesn't sound bad. because it's not bad. i just need to let some things loose. free. that's what this little space is for in the first place.
my time at the hospital was pretty standard, i think. i went in for an induction on july 1 at 6:00 am and ended up having a c-section around 11:30 pm. The Bean was born at 11:49 pm with lungs that rivaled a great operatic tenor...or something like that. because of the c-section drugs there are some parts that i do not remember, which is a little sad for me. my mom said that i sang to him. i don't remember that. nor do i really remember the first time we breastfed. that kind of bums me out, but that's the way it is though. i have a healthy baby. that's all that matters.
the first day home was very painful. thank God The Poet and my mom were here. i wouldn't have managed without them. i refuse to baby myself though. i make myself get up and do. i've done a couple loads of laundry this week as well as a little outing with my mom. i'm still a little sore, but i'm doing okay. i plan to drive soon.
there are good days and bad days. days when i feel like a breastfeeding phenomenon and other days when i feel like i'm horrible at it. there are days when the weight of my new title, and responsibility, of mom lay on me like a ton of bricks. i think of what i need to do. what i have to do. what i can't do anymore. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't trade this for the world, but sometimes i just feel...overwhelmed.
The Bean is curled up beside me sleeping a beautiful sleep and with his little baby noises, the worry is somehow melted and siphoned off. i know that i'm in for a crazy adventure and i'm looking at it from the prow of this big ship. the wind in my face. unknowns on the horizon.
and i couldn't think of a better life right now!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
the bean is here!
the bean made his debut on july 1, 2010 at 11:49 pm! he weighed 7 lbs 15 oz and was 20 3/4 inches long. he's a golden haired, blue eyed, content (except when he's hungry) little bundle of wonderfulness. the poet and i are just OVER THE MOON right now.
the nursery nurse just came to get him. i was proud to say that yes, in fact, we were able to breast feed this morning with not much difficulty and that he was a champ at it! a champ i say! when we first attempted to breastfeed it was difficult. VERY difficult. i was ready to give up after two feedings and did resort at one time to actually giving him a bottle of formula because i was so tired and frustrated and he was so tired and hungry. but this momma is proud to announce that the last two feedings have been GREAT! we're still learning and i have to have lots of help from The Poet to make sure his neck has good support and his feet and back get stimulated to keep him awake. it is all worth it. so totally worth it!
good day, my readers. i must snag a few zzzzz's before the nurse brings him back!
the nursery nurse just came to get him. i was proud to say that yes, in fact, we were able to breast feed this morning with not much difficulty and that he was a champ at it! a champ i say! when we first attempted to breastfeed it was difficult. VERY difficult. i was ready to give up after two feedings and did resort at one time to actually giving him a bottle of formula because i was so tired and frustrated and he was so tired and hungry. but this momma is proud to announce that the last two feedings have been GREAT! we're still learning and i have to have lots of help from The Poet to make sure his neck has good support and his feet and back get stimulated to keep him awake. it is all worth it. so totally worth it!
good day, my readers. i must snag a few zzzzz's before the nurse brings him back!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
two things i am over the moon about
1. i'm having a baby on thursday!!! well, as long as the induction goes the way it is supposed to. The Bean will be making his appearance sometime after 6:00 am on july 1. we're getting nervous and excited and terrified and joyous...all at one time! The Poet and i have been laying in bed just talking about him. saying the same things over and over, but never getting tired of saying them. or hearing them.
2. harry potter and the deathly hallows. i watched the trailer at least five times last night and have done the same thing this morning. i just can't get enough! i'm slightly obsessed with the whole franchise. i ADORE the books, LOVE the movies, can't wait to visit the theme park, went to midnight releases for most of the books and movies. i'm a 27 year old fan girl. and i'm perfectly okay with that. i'm already planning the date night that The Poet and i will have on the release night of this movie. i'll get a babysitter, we'll go to our favorite eatery, watch the first part of the deathly hallows, and then spend the next five days discussing each and every little detail of the movie. OH I CAN'T WAIT!
and for your viewing pleasure, the trailer:
2. harry potter and the deathly hallows. i watched the trailer at least five times last night and have done the same thing this morning. i just can't get enough! i'm slightly obsessed with the whole franchise. i ADORE the books, LOVE the movies, can't wait to visit the theme park, went to midnight releases for most of the books and movies. i'm a 27 year old fan girl. and i'm perfectly okay with that. i'm already planning the date night that The Poet and i will have on the release night of this movie. i'll get a babysitter, we'll go to our favorite eatery, watch the first part of the deathly hallows, and then spend the next five days discussing each and every little detail of the movie. OH I CAN'T WAIT!
and for your viewing pleasure, the trailer:
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
overwhelmed
tonight, as i lay in bed trying desperately to go to sleep, i was tempted to start to worry and stress. the logical part of my brain was telling me that i was normal, and justified, in being worried and stressed. i mean, i'm having a baby a week from thursday, i don't have a job, my insurance runs out at the end of july, and i'm having a baby a week from thursday. did i mention that i'm having a baby a week from thursday and i don't have a job? so i gave in to temptation and started to worry. bad move, but it happened. i drug myself out of bed so that my shaking sobs wouldn't wake The Poet and i went to the nursery. i sat in the rocker and cried. cried for my baby. cried because i'm not sure if i'll be able to make it through labor. cried because i don't have a job, and that worries me like no other. cried because i was wondering what my purpose in this life was. then i cried some more.
finally through the tears, i started to pray. now you praying people out there were probably already screaming at your screens for me to just pray already...but you know how it goes. anyway, i prayed. the same prayer that i've prayed many times in the past two months. prayed for guidance and strength. i prayed for faith and courage. then i grabbed my Bible and prayed for a passage to help me feel a little better. and you know what i was led to? nothing in the Bible at all. as i flipped through the pages trying to find a psalm to soothe me or a passage that pertained to lilies and sparrows not having to worry, so why should i, all i could think of were two little volumes of poetry that i had on our book shelf.
the first was a VERY battered copy of 100 selected poems, by e.e. cummings
the other, also very battered, was a copy of someone else to love, by Susan Polis Schutz. (i couldn't find a copy online to get a good pic of, so here's a pic of my copy.)
both books are very slim. i probably could have read both of them all the way through, but a few of the poems just kept running through my head so i had to read them. and they spoke to me. soothed me. allowed me to breathe again. i am convinced that i would not have found this comfort in the pages of my Bible. this comfort from 'real' people in words that i completely, 100% understand, couldn't be found in the Psalms tonight.
so, tonight, i thank God for the comfort He gives through other's words. the comfort that is passed on through His given gifts. tonight i can breathe again because of e.e.'s leaping greenly spirits of trees and susan's thoughts on a child of the mountains.
and later, i will lay my head back on my pillow, curl my arm around The Poet and sleep the sleep of a calm, yet somehow overwhelmed, pregnant woman. who chooses today (again) to let go and let God.
finally through the tears, i started to pray. now you praying people out there were probably already screaming at your screens for me to just pray already...but you know how it goes. anyway, i prayed. the same prayer that i've prayed many times in the past two months. prayed for guidance and strength. i prayed for faith and courage. then i grabbed my Bible and prayed for a passage to help me feel a little better. and you know what i was led to? nothing in the Bible at all. as i flipped through the pages trying to find a psalm to soothe me or a passage that pertained to lilies and sparrows not having to worry, so why should i, all i could think of were two little volumes of poetry that i had on our book shelf.
the first was a VERY battered copy of 100 selected poems, by e.e. cummings
the other, also very battered, was a copy of someone else to love, by Susan Polis Schutz. (i couldn't find a copy online to get a good pic of, so here's a pic of my copy.)
both books are very slim. i probably could have read both of them all the way through, but a few of the poems just kept running through my head so i had to read them. and they spoke to me. soothed me. allowed me to breathe again. i am convinced that i would not have found this comfort in the pages of my Bible. this comfort from 'real' people in words that i completely, 100% understand, couldn't be found in the Psalms tonight.
so, tonight, i thank God for the comfort He gives through other's words. the comfort that is passed on through His given gifts. tonight i can breathe again because of e.e.'s leaping greenly spirits of trees and susan's thoughts on a child of the mountains.
and later, i will lay my head back on my pillow, curl my arm around The Poet and sleep the sleep of a calm, yet somehow overwhelmed, pregnant woman. who chooses today (again) to let go and let God.
Monday, June 21, 2010
10 things i love about summer vacation
i'm a teacher and, of course, have my summers off. i love summer. not just because it's a non-work environment, but because of all the things you do in summer that you don't get to experience most times out of the year. so without further ado, 10 things i love about summer:
1. random thunderstorms that spring up out of nowhere and present the perfect conditions for a nap.
2. sleeping until i wake up, without the assistance of an alarm clock.
3. snuggling on the couch with The Poet and the cats.
4. iced coffee. i normally am a 'drink it hot' kind of girl, but in the sweltering humidity of kentucky and icy cold beverage is WONDERFUL.
5. baseball
6. cookouts/barbecues
7. turning on the AC at night and cuddling under a blanket.
8. fireflies
9. summer blockbusters
10. fresh fruit. the prices are always so much better in the summer. not to mention the taste!
1. random thunderstorms that spring up out of nowhere and present the perfect conditions for a nap.
2. sleeping until i wake up, without the assistance of an alarm clock.
3. snuggling on the couch with The Poet and the cats.
4. iced coffee. i normally am a 'drink it hot' kind of girl, but in the sweltering humidity of kentucky and icy cold beverage is WONDERFUL.
5. baseball
6. cookouts/barbecues
7. turning on the AC at night and cuddling under a blanket.
8. fireflies
9. summer blockbusters
10. fresh fruit. the prices are always so much better in the summer. not to mention the taste!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
just a few more weeks
i am almost dying! the anticipation of this baby being here, finally, is just...well, i don't know how to describe it. i want him to stay a little bit longer. safe inside me where he's protected from everything. then there's the other part of me that is so ready to see his little face, count his fingers and toes, and learn his every little mannerism as they develop.the hubs and i are taking full advantage of these next few, precious days. we're napping and not setting an alarm clock. we're tangling the covers around our legs and laying in bed for hours. we're watching our favorite movies and eating popcorn and peanuts. we talk, about everything, until the wee hours of the morning and then we just keep on talking until one of us falls asleep. it feels like how it felt right after we got married. new and exciting and we both wanted each others FULL attention. i guess the addition of a new life brings that out in people.
if i am completely honest with myself, and that's the point of this blog, i'm terrified. excited, yes, but still terrified. what if i can't make it through labor? what if the pain is just too much? what if i can't get him to breastfeed properly and he just won't take a bottle? what if i get so overwhelmed that depression threatens to take over my life like it has in the past? there, i admitted some of my fears. maybe that will help when the time comes. let's hope!
here's wishing the best for you, and me, in the coming weeks!
a new start...
i am not really a newbie to this blogging thing, but i felt the need for a new start. i have a different blog that i will probably keep updating as well, but i need...well, wide open spaces, to quote the dixie chicks. i need to be where everyone doesn't know my name and i can be honest with myself and with you, oh beautiful void of the internet. if i don't have readers, i don't have readers. if i do happen to gain some, well then AWESOME! but for now, i'm content in my own little corner of the world with just a cup of coffee and a blank screen. that sounds like a great way to start a-fresh!
so now, introductions:
i'm sarah. just sarah. no last name attached. there have to be a million sarahs in the world and i happen to be one of them. i've been married for four years and we're expecting our first son to make his appearance any day now! i am always in need of a latte (hence the name of this blog) and i'm a musician.
that's all for now folks. more later...i promise!
so now, introductions:
i'm sarah. just sarah. no last name attached. there have to be a million sarahs in the world and i happen to be one of them. i've been married for four years and we're expecting our first son to make his appearance any day now! i am always in need of a latte (hence the name of this blog) and i'm a musician.
that's all for now folks. more later...i promise!
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